Thursday, June 08, 2006

So Many Unanswered Questions

The partner whom I thought I knew so well has turned into a virtual stranger in less than a week. Last Friday morning she kissed my cheek, told JT that she loved him, and then walked out. She hasn't been back since. Did she know then that she would call me from the train on Monday morning and end our nine-year relationship? Does she really believe that she can get happy by walking away from her son and our life together? Is she really telling people that we separated? Does she not know that she walked out on us? Did she think that "working on it" could happen without conversations and self-exploration?

The questions go on and on. They swirl in my mind like so many storms. Was I wrong about her? Did she ever want to build a life together? What does she really value? What does she believe? Clearly she doesn't love me anymore. Does she even like me? Will she be there for JT?

Day by day I am trying to make peace with these questions. Some I will explore for years to come, I guess. Some I will need to fold up and put away. Tomorrow, in our last official act as a family, I will watch her tell JT that she is leaving. In my wildest imagination, I never thought she was capable of leaving a six year old child with a broken heart. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for doing it.

There is no question about my love for my son. Today is his last day of school and he's excited about the summer and the prospects for sleeping in and long days at the park. He and I are already moving forward, making plans for our summer. Together, we will make plans for the next school year and for years and years to come. So, in the midst of all this uncertainty, he is my anchor and I will be his rock.

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