I keep all my blog entries in a series of documents mostly marked by season: sassafras spring 06; sassafras summer 06. Today I write from a new document, sassafras fall 06. This is just so much book-keeping for me, but I like the order and structure of things. I've been resisting the change to a new document, because frankly I've had more change than I can take lately. I started the blog to write about my life, my family, my work, and my political thoughts. And it's mostly still for that purpose. But I'm getting further and further away from the times when I wrote about my family as a partnership between Lisa and me; two women together raising a boy they adored. And it makes me sad. I'm not quite ready to let go.
There is no partnership anymore, there is no we. I do think that Lisa and I both love JT. I know I do. Lisa told me just the other day that she "loves him so much." I'm not sure at all that she's picked a very good way to show it. But I have to trust that she cares for him, if only because he loves her. Still, it's so very hard to raise him and not be able to share him with the person who once made up my family, but who has now moved on without us.
Whether I want it or not, change is coming. So I made a new document today and Monday night I made risotto for supper. I haven't made it since Lisa left because it was one of her favorite suppers. A little familiar to go with new seems like a good combination.
I hope that it gets easier soon.
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