The Wisdom of Willie Stark

There's a line in All the King's Men that I really love. Speaking about change and trying to improve regular people's lives, Willie says that politicians always promise that it will happen sometime, but, he says, "sometime ain't never now."

I so feel that way these days. As I continue to raise JT and navigate single mama-hood, I think a lot about what our future should look like. I think about what happiness and joy will feel like for the two of us. I think about how I can be sure that we both get what we need out of our life together. Things are better now, certainly less vividly painful than they were when Lisa first broke camp. But I still miss and mourn for my old life. And there are still moments when I am unbelievably angry with Lisa for doing this to us. There isn't a day that passes without some reminder of what JT and I have lost, and sometimes (not always, but sometimes) it brings on the tears that I am just so tired of crying.

Everybody tells me that it will continue to get better; that sometime I will wake up to great happiness, even joy. But at this moment sometime ain't never now.