Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Bitter, Party of One

I make homemade cards. I don't make them as often as I would like but I've been doing it for years and when I do make one, it's meant as a special treat, both for the recipient and for me. I make one every year for JT's birthday and I always write a special message and then I save these cards so that one day he can look back and see how much he is loved.

When Lisa and I were raising JT together, she sometimes made fun of my cards. I took the ribbing and kept my mouth shut. But it sometimes hurt me that she didn't see how much these offerings of my heart meant to me.

In the course of cleaning up the things left on my table last night I came across a homemade card that I hadn't made. Turns out that Lisa had made a homemade card for JT and given it to him with his birthday presents. It was a little like a sucker punch to see it. And, honestly, it made me really angry. Making cards is my way of showing my love for my son. And when she was included in it, when I asked her for help in crafting my yearly message to him, she was often dismissive, like my actions were a meaningless gesture. But now that she's gone; now that she is no longer in his world on a daily basis; now that she's demonstrated just what she really cares about, she makes a card for him? Can't she find her own way of being there for him?

Update: Thanks to everyone for their supportive comments. It means a lot.

4 comments:

  1. Your little man knows who the "homemade cards" tradition belongs to. Which is why, I suspect, that you found *her* card abandoned among his other gifts. Little boys guard their treasures carefully and clearly, this isn't one of his.

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  2. You ARE the card maker and there can only be one original card maker - he will always know who makes the cards that are so full of love.

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  3. "Can't she find her own way of being there for him?" The short, simple answer no, apparently not. And not that you're interested in imitation being the sincerest form of flattery... but it is, despite being a pale, pale imitation of the original.

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