My whole life, I have been an active daydreamer. Most often, my daydreams have featured my future. I dreamt about having a child and being a parent long before he was actually born; I can remember walking through the woods years ago in Nashville dreaming about having a house of my own. I think that I have always planned and prepared for my future through daydreams.
In the years that Lisa and I were together, I daydreamed about our future: places we would go together, things that we would do. I had a very active daydream about running a bed and breakfast that was sometimes a daily visit for me. I had planned a trip to England for Lisa's 40th birthday. When Lisa first left, I frantically tried to close off the pain by retreating to my daydreams only to find that they hurt as well. For years I had been spinning daydreams about a future for she and I but there was no us anymore, and no future to go with it. And so what was once a familiar place to take comfort was now just new area of pain in my life. My daydream factory was suddenly shut down.
I quit daydreaming about the future because it hurt so much and because for the first time in years I had no idea what the future might bring. And, frankly, I was so busy trying to manage the here and now that I couldn't really envision the future. I wasn't even sure that I wanted a future.
But this week I realized that very slowly my daydreaming life is coming back. For the last few weeks, I've daydreamed about my upcoming vacation in Florida. I've also daydreamed about camping in the Cape this summer. It's not far into the future, but it is a future, which feels like a huge step forward.
Bless your courage in moving forward and your hope which allows you to dream for yourself again. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteIt takes time for hurts to heal- but they do and one day we find ourselves with joy and hope again. I am so glad you are finding your way there, too...
ReplyDeleteThank you for this lovely, honest piece...
I revel in these good signs.
ReplyDelete(And yay for you, breaking your "wait until Sunday" rule!)
I'm inclined to think I daydream far too much, that I miss the present, but without them, who knows? This was mostly in the days I day dreamt about things i couldn't imagine bringing into life, and then I did, so I'm ready to cheer for the power of daydreams to focus the mind. Perhaps.
ReplyDeleteTime is the greatest healer. I can attest to that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we have to "retreat" into our selves, but when the time is right, we are healing, and can take new paths, that may have never been considered, before.
I am so glad to here you are daydreaming again! I am a daydreamer, too. You can be stronger than you ever imagined. Plus, that's a pretty neat lookin' kid ya got there!
Best of luck in Florida, and don't forget that visualization is the key to what our lives can be...
It sounds like your mending. Perhaps soon you will be dreaming further into the future. But I know from experience that just dreaming into next week is great progress. Have a fabulous time in Florida.
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ReplyDeleteI too recommend day dreaming. It rejuvenates me, no end. Like this post..
ReplyDeleteJourney within the mind