Lost

On our first day of vacation, we headed off to the Disney/MGM theme park in Orlando. By the middle of the day, JT was ready for a break and so while the rest of our party went off to ride the Muppets ride, he and I went to the Honey I Shrunk the Kids playground. There I had a seat and a cool bottle of water while JT ran around among the giant paperclips and spider webs. The playground was swarming with kids.

I have the sort of kid who knows his way about and so while I sat in our pre-arranged spot, he ran around, checking in every few minutes to tell me about something cool that he had done. I people-watched as I waited. There was a mom who had lost her child and was looking pretty frantically about the playground. The nice Disney people were on the case and within about 15 minutes she had found her boy. He looked to be about 4 and was as happy to find her as she was to find him. While the other kids ran about, they just stood amidst the chaos, holding one another. Glad to have found one another; glad to be together again. They looked perfect with one another, no longer frantic and separate but now peaceful and whole.

As I watched this all unfold, I was wondering what I would do if I lost track of JT. It's never happened and so I don't really know. But the very thought just leaves me cold with fear. Since Lisa left, despite my anger at her, I've sometimes felt sorry for her because she doesn't get to see JT every day. She has a new life that gives her 5 hours a week to make that connection that was once a part of her daily life. And mad as I am at her, I sometimes have felt sad on her behalf. I know that I couldn't stand to live that way. And I used to believe that she felt the same way.

But as I watched that other mama and her boy this afternoon, I realized that Lisa made this choice for herself. She knew exactly what it would mean when she left me; that she would lose her daily connection with JT. And she left anyway.

So she doesn't really deserve my sadness, because this is the life she chose for herself. But I also realized this afternoon that one day my son will be a grown man, hopefully with a child of his own to love. And he will know the overwhelming feelings that being a parent brings. He'll feel that sense of awe and joy that you feel when you watch your child. He'll take pride in his child's accomplishments, both little (he weighs 10 pounds – finally!) and big (he can read!). He'll feel that love so deep it creates a well of strength that you never knew you had. When that happens to him, he will also know exactly what it was that Lisa was giving up when she left.

And I hope by then he is no longer hurt by the choice that she made. I hope by then that I will have shown him what a terrific and wonderful person he is. I hope by then that the love he has been shown by so many other wonderful adults in his world will have made up for what he lost when she left. I hope by then that he also knows that her choice was her loss.