Nor'easter

Written on Saturday night:

There is a big storm forecast for my corner of the world tonight. A nor'easter is expected to bring heavy rain and winds. There was a time when I would get excited about weather. When I was with Lisa, we did weather really well. We'd plan for snowstorms, we had supplies in the basement in the event of a tornado. A spring nor'easter (this is my first) would have likely caused a frenzy of activity for us, as we battened down the hatches and waited.

But there is no us anymore. And nearly 10 months into that fact, after more than nine years of being an us, I no longer know what was real and what was make believe. Did the family of three that I cherished ever really exist, or was it just a product of my hopes and imaginations? Did we really do weather well or was that just an excuse for us to pretend that we were a unit, a family?

I don't know. But I know that it's Saturday night and J.T. has a friend to sleep over. They are playing in the attic playroom and I can hear the sounds of their games and their laughter from my spot downstairs in the quiet. And that's like a metaphor for my life right now: I can see happiness all around me but I can't quite make myself a part of it.

I've charged up my cell phone and set out some flashlights in case we lose electricity, but that's about all the frenzy that I can manage. My life is good and in my head I know this. Tonight, I have work to do and a good book to read. I could watch some of the television shows that I record on the DVR, but never get around to watching. I could turn on a baseball game to fill the silence. I could call a friend and have a good laugh. I have a healthy happy boy, friends at the ready, a home that I love, a job I enjoy, two silly kittens, and many more blessings too innumerable to count. There's no reason to feel sad, to feel less than complete.

But my heart keeps reminding me that I loved her and all that she meant to me. My heart misses what I thought I had. And my heart can't seem to move on as quickly as my mind would have it. And so I wait. And not just for the nor'easter.