Some Thoughts on Marriage

I've been silent on the topic of same-sex marriage for some time, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it. I do think about it; I think about it a lot. I know dozens of couples who are married, domestically partnered, civil unionized, or simply together. I respect, admire, (and let's be honest; sometimes envy) their commitment to one another. But their actual legal status matters not to me and I think that in our national discussions of marriage, we have lost sight of what marriage really means.

Some background information is essential to understand my point of view.

In the last few years of my relationship with JT's other mom, a relationship I believed was a lifetime commitment, my then-partner worked for a gay civil rights organization that, among other things, litigated on behalf of same-sex marriage. They filed law suits seeking legalization of same sex marriage in five different states. She was not a lawyer, but she played one on television, serving to draft the message and communicate with the media on behalf of the lawyers filing the lawsuits. She talked about our family and our relationship as part of that message. I believe that the organization valued her more because she was one of the many lesbian parents seeking legal recognition of her family.

Then she began having an affair with a colleague at her workplace. And one memorable Friday afternoon she walked out on my son and me and moved in with her new girlfriend. She then pursued me in court to protect her rights to the child who is my biological son; whom I am now raising on my own. At the same time, she has continued to advocate on behalf of same sex marriage.

Understandably, I think, the topic is rather loaded for me. On the one hand, as a lesbian and an American, I strongly believe that gays deserve equal rights under the law, in all areas of their lives. On the other hand, I'm not convinced that marriage is simply a matter of rights. And as a political scientist, I know that state-sanctioned marriages for same-sex couples without accompanying federal protection is just so much legal smoke and mirrors, offering very little of the actual legal protections of marriage.

For all that I am a woman of progressive politics and sometimes downright radical views, I am also a woman who is somewhat conservative in my personal habits. I try to live by the Golden Rule; if I make a promise, I strive mightily to keep it. I believe that a parent's first obligation is to her child and his needs. I believe that in most circumstances divorce is wrong. I believe that being a good parent is my most important obligation in life. I am the only person in my circle of close friends who is raising a child as a single parent and I think that most people have no idea how difficult life can be for a single parent.

I think that's one reason I find the entire discussion of same-sex marriage to be, frankly, pointless. When divorce is so easy to secure; so readily accepted by our society, what purpose does a legal marriage truly serve? When marriage is discussed in terms of individual liberty; when people say, "it's my right!" I think that misses the point by a mile.

I believe that in the realm of personal relations, rights don't exist. In that realm, we are talking about obligations and responsibilities. I don't have the right to care for my son, it's my moral obligation. To love him; to feed and clothe him; to look after his heart and educate him to be a good and kind man; those are my parental obligations. I take them enormously seriously and they bring meaning to my life; these days they are the meaning of my life. I felt those same obligations toward my then-partner: to love her and keep my promises to her and our family was tremendously important to me. I thought that my family was forever and I was prepared to do the work to keep it that way. I don't need government sanction to do these things.

When my partner left our family, she explained that she didn't love me and wasn't happy. Then she told me, "JT has a right to a happy Mommy." More than anything else, that statement showed me how very different our value systems are. Because when my son is tearful at night; sad that Mommy isn't here to read a story, wishing that Mommy could join us in a game of backyard baseball, anxious about things related to Mommy's new life, I'm left with no explanations. I am loathe to tell an 8 year old that he must bear his sadness so that his Mommy can be happy. To me, her actions, driven by her individual desires, are utterly unthinkable. My family didn't just break, it shattered into a million tiny pieces. I am still trying to pick them up.

So I guess that I feel pretty ambivalent about a "right" to marry; to join a social institution that isn't very healthy these days. . I'd be much happier if gays organized as a movement and then went about the business of making the world a better place. Let's raise our children to be good, kind, and tolerant. Let's devote our considerable economic resources to helping one another. Let's be a minority group of progressive liberal values; so impressive in our commitment to one another that other groups are envious and seek to emulate us. Let's quit talking about our rights and consider instead, our obligations: to our children, to one another, to our fellow citizens in this nation and on this planet.

That's a movement I could get behind.