Matters of the Heart

In the first years after the break-up of my relationship with JT's other mom, I floundered and struggled to find and like myself; to find meaning in this new life that was thrust upon me.  There were landmines everywhere, often when I least expected them, and I learned to be on guard against new ways of being hurt.  It was a game of sorts, one I had to play whether I wanted to or not.    I longed for a share of happiness in the love of another.  In equal measure I feared taking a chance to find it.  Such fears are pernicious and hard; they make no room for taking a risk to find joy.  So I built a life that walled off the prospect of a great love; a life that pretended such a love didn't matter to me.  It was a happy enough life, if not a fulfilled one.  I was managing.

Deep in my heart, I never gave up hope that love could find me.  I kept that wish under cover.  I'd experience a longing for it at such funny moments.   I'd see something and wish I had a sweetie to give such a token.  I'd ignore memories of places I loved because there was no one to share the laughter and joy of the place.  I'd avoid favorite stories of my past because they featured a jarring reminder of a life now gone.  I'd fill my own Christmas stocking with great care, knowing that I really wanted to fill one for a sweetie.  I'd plan out my childless weekend hours and have fun with friends.  I'd think that I had this new life mastered.  But then I'd come home to a quiet house and wonder if I could ever really master the emptiness.  I hoped to find a connection that clicked; the one that would allow me to the freedom to love back unrestrained, whole-heartedly, and with abandon.  I knew such things rarely fall into one's hands; I'd have to go looking.  But that was a scary prospect, one filled with risk I wasn't sure I could endure.  How much more happiness could I expect from life? 

Earlier this year, as spring made its annual claims on my heart's longings, I took the plunge and gave meeting people a try.  It would be fair to say that I was terrified and elated in equal measure.  And now I'm so very glad that I took that risk.  I've found her, the girl who makes my heart full.  She's amazing….funny, kind-hearted, happy, handy and with an amazing smile and a capacity to love back that leaves me breathless.  She brings me more joy than I ever imagined could exist for me.  And the biggest wonder of it all is that she loves me right back.   Her name is T and she'll be around life at Sassafras House a lot more often as fall arrives.  I'm looking forward to more laughter, more happiness, and a life that feels full and complete.

That's very, very happy.