My gym has acquired 8 new elliptical machines, a treasure trove of workout riches that delights me beyond reason. What doesn't delight me beyond reason is all the New Year's Resolution gym-goers, who sometimes hog the good machines and who otherwise can't seem to manage anything without ample instruction. I'd like to say that I support you in your New Year's Resolution, newbie-at-the-gym, and in principle, I do. In practice, I want you to get the hell out of my way.
Case in point: Wednesday, when I had already begun running on one of the shiny new elliptical machines, the woman on the machine next to me kept trying to make eye contact. I ignored her for some time, though it was a challenge, thanks to the way she wiped down the machine with the antibacterial wipe. I've never seen someone so thorough with the job…..was she going to climb on it for a workout or did she plan to French-kiss the machine? It was unclear. Anyway, there I am, a good 5 minutes into my workout, concentrating on the task at hand and avoiding even a glance in her direction, complete with magazine on the reading rack and headphones in my ears, when Antibacterial Sue actually touched me to ask for help.
Touching a stranger at the gym? In New Jersey? Lady, you could have been shot.
I smiled a thin little smile and kept running, while encouraging her to talk with the scary personal trainer who roams the area frightening gym clients. The Terrifying Trainer has a Cuban accent and Stalinist attitude and wears so much makeup and hair highlights that she's succeeded in becoming a gross caricature of a human being. She looks like a stern clown in gym shoes. Like everyone else at the gym, I'm afraid of her.
Antibacterial Sue was not up to the challenge of asking Terrifying Trainer for help, choosing me instead. So I relented and showed the newbie how to program the machine for a happy little workout. I was nice, warning her to go easy until she got used to the machine. Then I returned to my sweaty workout and my mean little little thoughts.
There's a guy at my gym who chooses to use the eliptical behind me while I run on the treadmill because my ass cheeks bounce when I run. I have a fat booty and I can't help it. Compression pants don't really even help. Anyway, I commented at the drinking fountain one day how hot it was in the gym that day. He responded with, "that's because you're here." Is it wrong to be flattered by creepy butt-staring man?? If it's wrong then I don't want to be right.
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