15

Fifteen years ago today, JT was born.  At 7 pounds, 9 ounces and 20 and a 1/2 inches, he seemed awfully tiny.  So tiny that we marked ounces and inches.  But tiny can be quite demanding and his needs quickly reorganized my world.  Back then, I was the center of his world and he was the center of mine.  

Things have changed over the last fifteen years.  Today, he is 5 foot, 10 inches; 175 pounds of mouth and energy.

What is most remarkable about the transition from then to now is how quickly fifteen years flew by.  It was just the blink of an eye before my sweet-smelling baby turned into a chatty five year old.   

The five year old was eventually replaced by a charming ten year old.  

The baby has vanished; the five year old is long gone.  The ten year old has disappeared.  In their place I have a tall teenager who shaves and looks a lot more like a man than a little boy.  More than anything else, the transition to high school and the 9th grade has revealed to me how rapidly time has passed.  In less then four years, he’ll head out the door of our home to college and the world beyond.  Such independence seems an unthinkable development from the small bundle that I once held all day and night.  But unthinkable as it is, the years march by quickly.

JT & Tiger

JT & Lucy

More than ever, I’m aware that these days my job as a mama is to send him forth in the world to be his own person.  High school has a way of urgently driving home that point.  We spend a lot of time in the car together, driving to the next early morning athletic practice or coming home from a late night game (or meet….the language varies by season).  Things in our world are planned week by week; athletic season by athletic season.  Once home, he retreats to his attic space.  The toys from what we used to call the playroom are gone and it's now a place to study, complete homework, rest with a cat by his side, and laugh with his friends.    We’re a long way from five and even further away from the baby who once needed me for everything.  

Where we once spent every minute together, I’m now involved in the deliberate process of preparing him to be away from me and on his own.  That means that his school and team obligations often come first.  I don’t complain about 7 am Sunday practices or team busses that return long after dark.  In this way, I show with my actions that I believe in him and his choices.   

I am mindful now that my job is to prepare him to leave the nest and soar.  His need for safe independence grows daily.  Step by step, I am preparing myself to let go.  This year, I’ve began to truly absorb how fleeting JT's childhood has been.  He’s the very center of my universe; the core of my being.  His birth made me the the person I am today.  That I am systematically preparing him to leave my side seems like a self-inflicted wound.  But that is what a mama does.

Happy Birthday, JT, you’ll always be your mama’s baby.