Believe in Yourself

I became a single mama in 2006 and for a few years everything had the potential to sting.  I put on a brave face and tried my very best to put one step in front of the other.  But in the dark of the night, I would often doubt myself.  And once I allowed one doubt to voice its self, others would emerge until my inner voice was a long list of ways that I didn’t measure up.

I knew that down that black hole of doubt lay ruin.  So I made a concerted effort not to doubt myself and to at least pretend to believe in the power of transformation.  Easier said than done, of course, and doubts emerged anyway.  So in 2009, I tucked a secret treat into my Christmas stocking to remind me to believe in myself.

The ring is chunky and made of silver and the carved words inside one edge were both a useful reminder to (literally) have on hand and a talisman against doubts.  I wore the ring daily and it helped me to feel strong.  Eventually, it became a symbol that I am strong.

I still slipped it on each day as a good luck charm of sorts.  Sometimes I could laugh at the crushing doubts that had led me to its secret message.  But I was still superstitious enough to keep it close.

During the week before graduation, I misplaced the ring.  Since I rarely lose items like this, I had no idea where I should even look for it.  It had been so valuable as I navigated the world of single parenting that it seemed odd to lose my charm just as I was realizing one of the biggest moments in my life as a parent: my son’s high school graduation.

The week before graduation was busy with both celebratory events and chores. Though I was sad to lose the ring, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the loss of my good luck charm wasn’t paralyzing.  I’m someone who obsesses over little things like this, but this time I didn’t obsess.  I wondered if the universe was sending me a timely message to let go of certain anxieties.  I took the hint.

And then I found my talisman on my desk at school, likely tucked safely away after I’d put some lotion on my hands.  I’m glad that I found it, both because it’s my good luck charm and because it was a companion that saw me through dark times.  This silver ring has memories and promises in its scratched edges and I’m glad to have it back on my hand.