Style Journal: Believing in Myself

 I like silver jewelry and wear a few pieces on the regular.  A few years after I became a single parent, as my grief receded and I settled into a routine that I enjoyed, I bought myself a chunky silver ring that was inscribed “believe in yourself.”  It was a timely reminder both of how far I had come and the path ahead.  I wore it all the time, on whatever finger I wanted, but often on my left hand ring finger, as if to signal to the world that I belonged to someone.  

Over time, I grew more comfortable with an empty left hand ring finger and I moved the “believe in yourself” ring to my right hand.  I wear it always and feel half-dressed and unprepared to face the world if I somehow forget to slip it on my finger. 

A few years into my relationship with T, we picked out matching silver bands that we each wore on our left hand.  I never took my ring off and liked both the feel and the look of the glinting silver band.  It was a sign that I mattered to someone; that I was chosen.  I liked the feeling and signal of the ring, even as the relationship began to crumble and no longer offered a sense of unconditional love or being chosen.  It had become a symbol of what once was and what I hoped might return.  With a combination of sadness and relief, I took the ring off when we separated. 

My now-bare finger showed the groove of the ring I had worn for so long.  The empty finger was more than I could bear and I wondered what I should do next.  For my birthday,  I had bought myself a curated mystery box from GLDN.  It arrived on November 7, the day after the blow-up.  Among the surprises was a silver band stamped with bumble bees, the kind that pollinate the flowers that make life so glorious in the Spring and Summer.  Those bees and that band seemed like a sign from the universe.  Reasoning that all the fingers on my hands belong to me, I slipped the ring onto my left hand and I’ve worn it ever since. *On my left hand, the bees keep watch.  On my right hand, I am reminded to believe in myself.  What the rings symbolize to the world, I can’t say.  What they symbolize to me is that I am strong and worthy; that I deserve to exist and that I am enough.