The Missing Piece

I can see the moon as I write; glowing full in the Northwest sky as the last of the night fades.  It feels like my companion on this cold morning and I am grateful for the company. 

I’m settling into life without a partner.  The first glow of ending a relationship that had become toxic has faded.  Now I am reminded of my vulnerabilities.  Sometimes a stream of negative self-talk appears on the horizon and I have to work to avoid the pitfalls of that path.  I’m not lonely but I do miss the intimacy of a relationship; the shared laughter, especially; the sense that for someone in this world, I am a priority.  I’m realistic and I know that T didn’t really feel that way toward me in the last few years.  But it was there once, or at least I felt that it was.  I tried my damnedest to make her my priority.   I don’t think it was enough for her and I feel bad about that.  

I’m sad that I could never find someone to love me as I am and see it through.  In the harder moments, that makes me believe that there is something wrong with me.  I’m working to square my chin and dismiss those thoughts.  I’m kind and funny; loyal and true.  Amazing, smart, and worthy.  Stylish and charming.  Beautiful.  And certainly deserving of better than I was receiving in the life I had with T.  This will have to be my mantra when things are hard; I must be my own missing piece.  That is a vow I'll mindfully make each day, hopeful that one day it will come easier than it does right now.