Still Paying the Toll

The past two years have been hard.  JT’s post-graduation struggle, T’s departure, my father’s death, and then the disability and pain of my wonky hip…..  Each event was separate but they added up.  The break-up with T came just as my son was finding his equilibrium and at first the freedom from the daily anxiety of an unhappy and angry partner was a relief.  I was just beginning to come to terms with all that the break-up meant when my father died.  That was unexpected and knocked me for a loop.  Six months later, before I really found my footing in the face of the losses I had experienced, my hip gave out on me.  Six months of increasing pain and anxiety followed.  

I’m four months post-surgery and finally feeling that I have found my footing.   As I do that, some of the loss that I didn’t have time to fully grieve is now demanding its due.  I feel it most when I’ve had a hard day at work and on weekends.  Some nights it would be nice to have a partner who made supper and is there to help me talk through the struggles of my day. Weekends on my own aren’t quite hard or sad - I like being alone - but they are different from the life I had with T and I find they go better if I make plans.  

This summer, I feel as if I’m finally finding my way forward.  Slotted in among my usual chores, I plan activities for my weekends - enjoyable things like going to the farmers market, time at a local coffee house, finding a new-to-me park for walks, cooking supper for friends, taking up a new hobby (I’m learning how to embroider!).  I like the life I’ve built for myself but sometimes I miss having a companion.  I long for an excuse to dress up and go out.  I wish that someone would notice me and tell me that I look nice.  Mostly, I try not to linger on the losses or the sense that I am alone.  Some days that’s easier than others.