Fast-Forward

Some days, though I don't go looking for it, the hurt comes on in waves. Sudden tears as I drive someplace and hear the wrong song on the radio, that sense that no one is waiting, no one will be there, a look at the hand that once wore rings and now looks empty, a feeling of being profoundly separated.

And other days I feel so good, so strong, so resolute. Like the hurt couldn't get me even if it came looking for me.

I know that the only way through this is to accept it when the hurt finds me and be at peace when it doesn't. But I still want that fast-forward button, that vision of a future that I know will not just be okay, but happy, with moments of real joy punctuated by quiet peace.

I had it once and I hope that I can find it again.