After a terrific vacation that gave me an opportunity to rest, read, think and have fun, I came home with some real optimism in my heart. I had decided that though people warned me to expect that some days would still be hard, I would defy the odds. The worst was over, I told myself. In one respect, I was right; my every moment is not filled with thoughts of what Lisa has done. I don't feel that aching, overwhelming pain all of the time.
But the laws of human relations do still apply to me, much as I wish that they did not and by the middle of the week, my optimism was reigned in by the sadness of my family breaking up. I still don't understand why Lisa left and I think that I never will. Before I go to bed each night, I check on my sleeping son and I wonder how anyone could give that up. I would do anything to protect my boy, I would go to any length to keep him from hurting.
But as hard as I tried, I could not protect him from having his family break apart. We used to have a family hug, with Lisa and me on either side and JT in the middle singing, "Mama is the bread, and Mommy is the bread, and JT is the......tuna." We would make icky faces and then kiss him all over. Then we'd laugh and do it again.
A few days ago, JT asked me if he and I could still do that hug. Since then, I keep racking my brain trying to remember the last time we did that hug as a threesome. It was probably sometime in May but I can't remember. I don't know why I want to remember it but I do. Every time we hugged like that, we'd laugh and smile and I would think how lucky I was to have this family, these people I loved so much. At that moment, I wanted nothing more from life.
How could I have known that the joy of loving one another would be so fleeting? How will I ever put away these waves of sadness that almost overwhelm me? How will I ever learn to love another person without fearing this pain again? Why must it hurt so much?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Ben Franklin Did Not Have My Back
I'm taking a break from the vacation journals tonight to discuss the way that Ben Franklin and his magical electricity let me down in the past 24 hours. I was in Hamilton last night, enjoying the company of my friends A & M(and forcing them to admire my new haircut) when a terrific electrical storm hit. It came with plenty of wind, thunder and lightening; enough to make me delay the trip back home for an extra 45 minutes.
By the time JT and I hit the road to come north, it seemed like the worst was over. But then I arrived in Piscataway and then Dunellen to discover that there was no electricity. Streetlights and signals were out and the night was inky black. Block after block there was no electricity, including my street.
I found a flashlight when JT and I got inside and I read to him by that pale light (it was a brief flashback to last week's camping trip) and then I tucked myself in bed with my flashlight and my cell phone. I was talking to a friend – and enjoying the conversation – when I realized that my phone was nearly dead. What about the home phone, you're saying to yourself.....but my home line is linked to the computer line which doesn't function without electricity so there was no joy there. I reluctantly ended the phone conversation and turned out my flashlight. Bedtime for me.
At 3 am I was suddenly awakened by the sound of all the electrical appliances in my house snapping to life. The a/c, the fridge, the lights over my bed: all of them at once. Nice. So now my heart is racing (and not for any good reason, thank you very much).
Come the morning I got to re-set all of the clocks (except for the radio in the kitchen, which defies me daily by flashing the wrong time). But my electrical troubles were not over.....10 minutes into the sweating, the timer and magical 'calories burned' counter on the eliptical trainer suddenly demanded new batteries. So I stopped the workout and found the batteries. I finished the workout and with just 2 minutes to go before the cool down period, my ipod chose to die. Yeah, that's right, just when I needed some fast paced song to help me out, yet another appliance let me down. The last 14 minutes of the workout were completed in an eerie quiet, while the ipod quietly re-charged itself.
The world of electricity was kinder to me in the afternoon but I remain leery. So let me just note for the record that I have a newfound respect for the many conveniences of electricity.
By the time JT and I hit the road to come north, it seemed like the worst was over. But then I arrived in Piscataway and then Dunellen to discover that there was no electricity. Streetlights and signals were out and the night was inky black. Block after block there was no electricity, including my street.
I found a flashlight when JT and I got inside and I read to him by that pale light (it was a brief flashback to last week's camping trip) and then I tucked myself in bed with my flashlight and my cell phone. I was talking to a friend – and enjoying the conversation – when I realized that my phone was nearly dead. What about the home phone, you're saying to yourself.....but my home line is linked to the computer line which doesn't function without electricity so there was no joy there. I reluctantly ended the phone conversation and turned out my flashlight. Bedtime for me.
At 3 am I was suddenly awakened by the sound of all the electrical appliances in my house snapping to life. The a/c, the fridge, the lights over my bed: all of them at once. Nice. So now my heart is racing (and not for any good reason, thank you very much).
Come the morning I got to re-set all of the clocks (except for the radio in the kitchen, which defies me daily by flashing the wrong time). But my electrical troubles were not over.....10 minutes into the sweating, the timer and magical 'calories burned' counter on the eliptical trainer suddenly demanded new batteries. So I stopped the workout and found the batteries. I finished the workout and with just 2 minutes to go before the cool down period, my ipod chose to die. Yeah, that's right, just when I needed some fast paced song to help me out, yet another appliance let me down. The last 14 minutes of the workout were completed in an eerie quiet, while the ipod quietly re-charged itself.
The world of electricity was kinder to me in the afternoon but I remain leery. So let me just note for the record that I have a newfound respect for the many conveniences of electricity.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Vacation Journal --- Day 4
Tuesday, July 11
JT and I got up early this morning and we headed out for a bike ride along the North Highland bike trail. We heard lots of birds, saw plenty of bunnies, and even saw a deer as we rode. We stopped to see the place where the Pilgrims first found water in the New World. JT is interested in history (which is enormously gratifying to his history teacher Mama) but he takes a 6-year-old's approach and he always wants to know who was good and who was bad, who was right and who was wrong. His most enduring trait is to assume that people will be a good and kind to one another (even as he finds this a challenge in his own human relations!).
So his first question when he saw the spring was to ask if the Pilgrims shared their water with the Indians. He knows all about the story of the first Thanksgiving and in his innocence, he assumes the story is true. I hate to shatter his illusions but, at the same time, it's not really fair to allow him to think that the world is one where Indians have had an easy time.
We got back on the bike and I tried to navigate JT through early-American history and the sometimes harsh realities for the native tribes who lived here. He asked a lot of questions and I did my best to provide the answers. As a mama who daily instructs her child to treat others as he would wish to be treated, it's sometimes hard to explain why other people don't abide by this rule.
As we rode back to the campsite for some breakfast and to prepare for the planned water fight with our camping neighbors, I realized what he and I must do every day. We have to take on the world and its many uncertainties as best as we can. We have to try to understand what's gone wrong and how we can make it better. And above all we must be guided by the Golden Rule.
Our morning discussion reminded me again that it's not always easy to do the right thing.
JT and I got up early this morning and we headed out for a bike ride along the North Highland bike trail. We heard lots of birds, saw plenty of bunnies, and even saw a deer as we rode. We stopped to see the place where the Pilgrims first found water in the New World. JT is interested in history (which is enormously gratifying to his history teacher Mama) but he takes a 6-year-old's approach and he always wants to know who was good and who was bad, who was right and who was wrong. His most enduring trait is to assume that people will be a good and kind to one another (even as he finds this a challenge in his own human relations!).
So his first question when he saw the spring was to ask if the Pilgrims shared their water with the Indians. He knows all about the story of the first Thanksgiving and in his innocence, he assumes the story is true. I hate to shatter his illusions but, at the same time, it's not really fair to allow him to think that the world is one where Indians have had an easy time.
We got back on the bike and I tried to navigate JT through early-American history and the sometimes harsh realities for the native tribes who lived here. He asked a lot of questions and I did my best to provide the answers. As a mama who daily instructs her child to treat others as he would wish to be treated, it's sometimes hard to explain why other people don't abide by this rule.
As we rode back to the campsite for some breakfast and to prepare for the planned water fight with our camping neighbors, I realized what he and I must do every day. We have to take on the world and its many uncertainties as best as we can. We have to try to understand what's gone wrong and how we can make it better. And above all we must be guided by the Golden Rule.
Our morning discussion reminded me again that it's not always easy to do the right thing.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Update: the Package
When Lisa first left I wrote that I felt like I was carrying around this horrible large package that I didn't want but couldn't get rid of. But in the last two weeks, the package has shrunk. It doesn't even feel like I am carrying it all the time.
My heart is lighter and my spirits are good. And that package is looking more and more like a tiny speck that I'll be putting in the closet one day soon, a piece of my past but not part of my future.
That is such sweet relief.
My heart is lighter and my spirits are good. And that package is looking more and more like a tiny speck that I'll be putting in the closet one day soon, a piece of my past but not part of my future.
That is such sweet relief.
Vacation Journal --- Day 3
Monday, July 10
T's sister C came to visit today and she brought bubble toys for the boys, which were a terrific hit. Bubbles flew about the campsite amid smiles and plenty of laughter. But by the middle of the day, D and JT were feeling fractious toward one another so Mama and her boy headed into Provincetown to check out the sites and hang out.
P'town is a fun mix of crazy gay things --- how many tea dances does one town need? - and young families hanging out, with great shops. It's like a very gay Westwood. We had some ice cream (chocolate for the boy, lemon sorbet for Mama) and JT was exceptionally patient as Mama walked through the many garden and flip-flop stores. He was even kind as I looked at one antique store.
And it must be noted that any town that has more than one flip-flop store is a town I can really grow to like.
In the evening we all went to supper together. Finally, after weeks and weeks of not being able to eat much food, my appetite is back. Maybe that's also because for more than two weeks now my first thought in the morning isn't that my life has fallen apart. I'm really feeling like myself again, and that is such a good thing.
In fact, my life felt pretty good today. My lingering concern is that JT is awfully angry in a way that I've never seen before. It's an anger that overwhelms him and always results in tears afterward. I held him last night after he got angry with D and I could just feel his heart beating fast and angry as I whispered over and over in his ear, "it's going to be okay, sweet boy, it's going to be okay." I could feel him relax in my arms afterward, but I still worry.
I know that my job is to make him safe and with each day I grow more confident that I am up to the challenge.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Vacation Journal --- Day 2
Sunday, July 9
After breakfast this morning we headed off to Provincetown to get our bikes: Shelley ordered up two tag-a-long bikes for the boys to ride behind their moms while we explore Cape Cod. Within a few minutes, Terri and I were off, riding back through P'town on the 6A highway, to meet up with Shelley and the car at the beach. Shelley watched us carefully, bringing a water bottle at one point in the journey. It was a nice 2 mile ride and it felt good.
We hung out at the beach for several hours as the tide went out and sandbars magically appeared. The boys played and ran and ran and ran some more. We sat under the umbrella and enjoyed our picnic and some grown-up hanging out.
Then we rode back to the campsite ---- a longer ride this time, about 4 miles. JT climbed on the back of my bike and off we rode, across the highway and onto the North Highland bike trail. The ride was terrific and I felt so strong, so powerful, so very much like I could go-it-alone. Damnit, I was going it alone. Of course, this is all happening with the safety net of the R-K family. But the reality of my new life is that I will need to ask my friends to help out without feeling like that makes me weak. I know that I will learn to do this.
By the time the ride was over, I felt as good as Lance Armstrong (though my thighs suggest that I am no Lance Armstrong). My boy and I are a terrific team and we were having a great vacation. And with every day that I passes I grow more confident that we will also have a happy life.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Vacation Journal --- Day 1
Saturday, July 8
We left Niantic, CT to head out to Cape Cod around 11:30 am and we made great time. The boys watched a movie in the Mama-car for part of the journey (their last movie for a week!). We stopped along the way for a stretch the legs break and the boys jumped right into the game. That's the two of them "walking the plank" along a bike trail. We arrived at the campsite by 3:30 pm and it was perfectly beautiful.
When I originally started to plan this vacation, Lisa and I were still a couple. But the funny thing is that I knew all along that she would never come with us. She'd have an excuse, probably related to work, but I was determined to go camping with or without her. Turns out that we are without her and yet as the journey began it didn't really bother me.
When she walked out in June, I told Shelley and Terri that JT and I were still going camping. And to be honest, a big part of that was just to prove to Lisa that I could do it. But the funny thing about this vacation is that it quickly went from being a chance to prove to Lisa how strong I could be to being an opportunity to prove to me just how strong I am.
I put up my own tent on Saturday and that was just the beginning.
We left Niantic, CT to head out to Cape Cod around 11:30 am and we made great time. The boys watched a movie in the Mama-car for part of the journey (their last movie for a week!). We stopped along the way for a stretch the legs break and the boys jumped right into the game. That's the two of them "walking the plank" along a bike trail. We arrived at the campsite by 3:30 pm and it was perfectly beautiful.
When I originally started to plan this vacation, Lisa and I were still a couple. But the funny thing is that I knew all along that she would never come with us. She'd have an excuse, probably related to work, but I was determined to go camping with or without her. Turns out that we are without her and yet as the journey began it didn't really bother me.
When she walked out in June, I told Shelley and Terri that JT and I were still going camping. And to be honest, a big part of that was just to prove to Lisa that I could do it. But the funny thing about this vacation is that it quickly went from being a chance to prove to Lisa how strong I could be to being an opportunity to prove to me just how strong I am.
I put up my own tent on Saturday and that was just the beginning.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Thinking About the Future
Something about heading off for a vacation on our own, and feeling more independent and powerful than I have in years, has me thinking about my future.
It's not really just my future, it's our future, me and JT. I want him to grow up well-loved, of course. But I also don't want him to worry about me, which he has done a lot of lately. I catch him looking at me, worried that I am sad, or worried that I might cry about something. He wants to take care of me. For now, I think that's okay, especially as we adjust to all the changes in our world. And it warms my heart to see that he is capable of compassion and kindness, that he feels the need to care for the people in his world.
But I don't want him to worry about me forever. I want him to grow up sure that his Mama is happy and satisfied with her life. Ideally, I want to love and be loved again by a partner, so that JT lives in a home where he can learn how grown-ups navigate a happy relationship. I want him to see how a successful partnership nurtures a family.
So that's the future. This week, he'll be with his Mama and the R-K family and we are already having fun, laughing and joking, and enjoying one another's company. And he is seeing up-close just how well loved he is.
It's not really just my future, it's our future, me and JT. I want him to grow up well-loved, of course. But I also don't want him to worry about me, which he has done a lot of lately. I catch him looking at me, worried that I am sad, or worried that I might cry about something. He wants to take care of me. For now, I think that's okay, especially as we adjust to all the changes in our world. And it warms my heart to see that he is capable of compassion and kindness, that he feels the need to care for the people in his world.
But I don't want him to worry about me forever. I want him to grow up sure that his Mama is happy and satisfied with her life. Ideally, I want to love and be loved again by a partner, so that JT lives in a home where he can learn how grown-ups navigate a happy relationship. I want him to see how a successful partnership nurtures a family.
So that's the future. This week, he'll be with his Mama and the R-K family and we are already having fun, laughing and joking, and enjoying one another's company. And he is seeing up-close just how well loved he is.
3 moms....2 boys.....1 hotel room
Actually, but for the fact that the boys climbed in their sleeping bags at bedtime, only to emerge hot and sweaty one hour later......it wasn't a bad evening. We took them to a park to run off some energy after supper last night, but there seems to be plenty of energy to spare.
This morning they have turned the microwave into a castle for the Power Rangers and they've had a good time jumping on the beds.
Time to take these children to the great outdoors!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Packing Up and Moving Out
JT and I have been collecting our camping supplies all week long and tonight we began to load the car. The tent, the sleeping bags, the ice chest, and the picnic basket with camp cooking supplies are all on board. We've got some toys, of course, and the swimsuits as well. Mama has a big bag of books to read.
We are planning this trip with the R-K family, who have been part of our family's support network in this last month. Planning the trip has helped us to look forward to the many joys and happiness that life brings. And we will probably be too excited tonight to sleep.
We can get phone messages at the campground (the R-K family says that these messages are posted at a central message board --- sounds like fun). The phone number at camp is 508-487-1191. The camp office is open for most of the day (with meal breaks from 12-1 pm and 6-7 pm). Via the mail (get those postcards to the postman straight-away):
Riendeau-Krause/McMillen campers
c/o North of Highland Campground
52 head of meadow Road
PO Box 297
North Truro, MA 02652
You can check out photos of the campground over at my friend Shelley's blog: http://www.butwait.blogspot.com/
I will post loads of photos when I get back. In the meantime, we're counting on your good karma (and ours) to bring us sunny days on our big trip.
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