Among the Trees: January 5

The woods around me are quiet as Winter takes hold.  A Nor’easter is forecast for the weekend - our first prospect at real and significant snow in nearly two years - and I continue to wait for word of when my hip replacement surgery will be scheduled.  Without the hip, mobility is a challenge for me.  I miss the ability to walk at all, but especially to walk outside in the Winter woods.  Without a surgery date on the horizon, I don’t think that February will find me able to make the solitary Winter walks I used to enjoy.  I have great hopes for March forays into the trees.  For now, the backyard dogwood branches remind me that even in Winter’s cold, Mother Nature is making plans.   

Among the Trees: A Christmas Tradition

 All year long, I’ve reserved the 5th of each month for a post about the places I go for walks.  Mostly, I like to walk in the woods and most frequently, I walk in the woods at Colonial Park.  Since my hip took its turn to  dreadful in August, I haven’t really been able to go for a walk.  As I wait for the hip replacement I so desperately need, I’ve become more and more disabled.  These days, I can stand for just a few minutes and only walk very short distances.  I haven’t been to Colonial Park since September.  I could go, of course, and sit on a bench and admire the nature around me, but I have found doing so very sad, not the source of peace and joy that it once was.  Deep inside me, is a fury and anger about the way in which denial of healthcare has served to disable me further.  Being forced to sit in a place I once walked in is yet another reminder that my life doesn’t matter because I am fat.   It’s hard enough to live as I do right now without that reminder.  I’m saving my favorite places for that point in the future when I’ve lost enough weight to be allowed a new hip.  But trees are my evidence that the universe is splendid and I do take time to admire them.  This month, that came in the form of a trip to select our Christmas tree.  JT led the adventure, which enabled me to be confident that I could walk and stand long enough.  We visited Home Depot at twilight and the rows of balsams and fir trees smelled amazing.  

This year we chose a balsam tree and JT loaded it up, secured it in the stand, and then brought it inside for us to decorate.  

The house smells amazing and soon enough, this gem will have twinkling lights and ornaments.  Choosing a tree is one of my favorite Christmas traditions and I’m grateful that JT helped to make it happen this year.

Among the Trees: The Bare Branch Season

There comes a point in November - we aren’t quite there yet, but I can sense it in the air - when suddenly, all the leaves are gone.  I’ll notice it first on my drive home from school.  Then I’ll see it at twilight from the living room.  It’s a hard transition for me.  Though I know that the stark Winter season of rest is the only way for the re-birth of Spring, I’m never quite ready to say goodbye to the fully-leafed trees.  This year, Winter is harder to embrace because of my current mobility limits, which are made harder by the cold.  Usually, the twinkling lights of December will help me to embrace Winter.  I’m hopeful that will be the case this year as well.  

Among the Trees: Back to School

 School starts today.  It’s the start of my 22nd year at my school; my 12th in the Middle School.  I’m teaching my 8th grade Civics & Citizenship class for a  4th year.  Lessons are ready, assignments are copied and loaded to the digital platform.  I’ve made adjustments to the class that I am ready to try. 

Clothes for the week are picked out and ironed.  Actual shoes will be worn.  Folders have been created, notebooks and stickers are neatly stacked.  I’m ready. 

If I have any anxiety about the year - and I do - it’s about my health.  Since late August, my wonky, arthritic hip has been on strike.  It’s pained me on and off for the last two years but this round is the worst yet.  I cannot get through the day without an embarrassing amount of ibuprofen.  Sleeping at night has become distinctly uncomfortable, so much so that I rest but don’t really sleep, as I can’t lie down without pain.  So I rest sitting up, which is not especially restful.  I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor later this month but I am not hopeful that actual relief will be forthcoming.  And so I wait while my fears run amok. 

My greatest anxiety is about the threat to my independence this problem presents.  Just getting up and walking around is uncomfortable and though I keep at it, there are times when the discomfort is excruciating.  At minimum, I need relief from the pain.  At maximum, I’d like to be able to trust my hip to see me through whatever it is I wish to do.  Right now, I am confined to walks in safe places.  My step count is up because I cannot sit for more than 20 minutes without discomfort when I do stand and walk.  So I set a timer and keep moving.  

I am hopeful that things can be made better.  But I am also very, very afraid.  It’s a strange combination, hope and fear.  But it’s where I am at today, as the school year is underway.  

Among the Trees: Colonial Park

We’ve had a beautiful May around here and I’ve been able to go outside a lot.  I’ve done work outside, I’ve sat in the sun and read books, and on Memorial Day, JT and I went to my favorite local park for a walk and a sit in the sunshine. 

The Rose Garden is at its splendid best.  

The wisteria is lovely and it's rich scent fills the air. 

Everywhere I look, there is beauty in this oasis.  One of the the things I like most about Colonial Park is the long views to be seen.  I have several favorite places to sit on a bench and soak it all in. 

That’s happy!

Among the Trees: Finding Solace in the Light

 On my first day back from California, I took myself for a walk at Colonial Park.  New Jersey has had a mild Winter and there were signs of Spring everywhere. 

Since I’ve been home, I’ve kept an eager eye out for additional hints of green and warmth.  When I see them, I feel a tiny surge of hope.  

That’s nice, because it’s been a bit of a hard patch for me.  I’ve had a bunch of small challenges in the past two weeks.  My head knows that they are small in the big scheme but my heart lets the hurts add up and that finds me doubting myself, my worth, and my place in this world.  

I know the remedy:  rest and time outside.  With Spring Break starting at the end of this week, I’ll have the time for both.  There are people who depend on me and people who love me and I know and feel this.  I plan to lean in to the support.  I’m a regular champ at self-care and I have a list of small treats for the coming weeks.  I know the light can be found and I’ll be looking for it in the coming weeks.

Among the Trees: Natirar

To date, we’ve not had snow this Winter.  January brought a lot of cloudy gray days, but the cold hasn’t really been unbearable.  After all, it’s Winter and that means cold weather.  Rain has replaced the snow and when I took a walk in the woods at Natirar Park last weekend, the effects of the rain could be seen in the full stream that runs through the park. 

The sound of a busy little stream while I walk in the woods is one of the nicer parts of life in New Jersey, a balm as I wait out the cold and live in hope for the first signs of Spring.