I became a single parent the year JT was 6. The separation happened in June so it wasn’t until the next year that I had to experience Mother’s Day on my own. Mother’s Day is a strange holiday when you are a single mama. There will be no sleeping-in, no breakfast in bed, no sweet card made by your child, no gift from a loving partner grateful for the ways in which you mother the child you share. That Hallmark version of Mother’s Day is so distant from the reality of the life of a single parent that the idea seems laughably unreal. And it’s a bitter chuckle at that.
When I was in the thick of my single mama days, Mother’s Day passed by with nary a thought. I couldn’t afford to wallow in the ways the holiday made me feel left out. After all, there was laundry to wash, a lawn to mow, and grocery shopping to organize. I wouldn’t have had time for breakfast in bed even if it were forthcoming.
And it wasn’t forthcoming.
That reality was mostly a secret, however. There is no space for mamas like me in the world of Mother’s Day celebrations. When people would wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, I would say thank you. If anyone asked about my plans for the day, I lied and made up a story about those plans. The first Mother’s Day on my own, I went to a Quaker Family camp with my friend S and her son D. It was lovely. Soon after that, my ex and I came to a parenting agreement that meant JT would be with her every 2nd and 4th weekend of the month and with me for every 1st and 3rd weekend. Just like that, I’d solved the Mother’s Day problem by spending it on my own. I continued to lie if anyone asked about my plans - there was no need for them to be exposed to my sad little reality. I would have welcomed their kindness but would have recoiled at their pity so I avoided the whole landscape.
When T was first in my world, she took me garden shopping and made me breakfast on Mother’s Day. It was nice - the first celebration that actually made me feel special. By the last few years of our relationship, she’d tell me to go garden shopping on my own and then she offered to pay me back for the flowers. At least I got flowers, I reasoned. But Mother’s Day had returned to form.
In advance of Mother’s Day 2023, I’ve seen moms on-line getting impressively angry about what they truly want for Mother’s Day: an actually decent national parental leave policy, serious and significant gun control, action on maternal and infant health, affordable, good quality day care; a Constitutionally-protected right to make decisions about their bodies…it’s a lengthy list of requests that reveal just how very little this nation actually cares about mothers. And make no mistake: not nearly enough of our leaders give an actual damn about the lives of women.
The honesty of these expressions has been freeing for me. This week, when people asked about my Mother’s Day plans, I told the truth: Mother’s Day isn’t really a big deal when you are a mama on your own. If that is a deflating notion for them, I haven’t felt bad about it. At age 55, I’ve grown weary of being the woman who makes everything okay for people while suppressing my own feelings. I am over that bullshit. I’m not mean, but I speak my truth.
I approached Mother’s Day 2023 in my usual manner: I made a plan to look after myself. I bought some fruit syrup for the waffles I will make myself this weekend. I picked up a cute postcard at a shop a few weeks ago and set it aside to admire on Sunday morning. I am all set for Mother’s Day.
After all this time, the funny thing is that my 23 year old son has told me that I should be ready at 2 pm on Sunday. He seems to have a treat planned. I’m touched and charmed but also afraid to hold that hope. After so many years of not-very-special Mother’s Days; Sundays in which I swallowed my feelings and got on with life, I’m a little nervous at the glimmer of hope I feel. I hope it works out. When it comes to feeling valued and cherished, I am more fragile than I seem.
Update: JT took me to dinner and then to see a play, Agatha Christie's Murder on the Orient Express. It was a special and lovely Mother's Day, and that was really nice.
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