Monthly Book Report: Above Ground by Clint Smith

I became a Clint Smith fan reading his work in The Atlantic.  Then I picked up his book How the Word is Passed and my admiration grew exponentially.  Smith’s work is thoughtful, deeply engaged with history, personal without being cloying, amused by the human condition but also deeply honest about where racism has landed us as a nation.  I persuaded my book group to read How the Word is Passed.  I assigned chapters of it to my 8th graders and it generated the most amazing conversations.  So of course I was going to read his new book of poems.  

As expected, Smith doesn’t disappoint.  In this collection about being a father and husband, as he reflects on family and the things he loves most - soccer, his wife, his children - I was utterly charmed.  

I am worried that this nation is on the precipice of a spectacular failure of community and democracy.  But when Smith reflects on waiting for a heartbeat to emerge in his wife’s early pregnancy and writes, 

little one

you are my daily reminder

that you do not go to a garden to watch 

the flowers grow

you go to give thanks

for what has already bloomed

Well, that takes my breath away and gives me a tiny sliver of enduring hope for us all.  

Thoughts on Back to School

I rolled into Summer 2023 with a great need for some peaceful days and the high hopes that would happen.  More than mid-way through August, and with my eye on the start of a new school year, I’m able to reflect on the last few month with a full heart.  

Miserably unhappy right hip not withstanding, this has been one of the nicest summers I can remember.  The weather was terrific for much of June and even when the heat arrived, it was not unbearable in New Jersey.  I spent countless hours outside on the back deck or the front porch, relaxed and glad to turn my face to the sunshine.  

But the real star of this summer has been its stark difference to the anxieties and worries of last summer.  I am incredibly grateful for that and though it will be some time before I take such ease for granted, it was nice to have it.  JT worked hard and found some measure of peace.  I found pleasure in my own company and took the time to reach out to friends for companionship when I needed it.  

Whereas last September I was glad to start school because it meant a break from the tension at home, this year finds me approaching the start of the year with genuine excitement for what the school year will bring, not just relief.  It’s nice to value back-to-school for its own prospects.  

My classes are ready to go.  I love prepping a new class but there is a certain amount of tension involved in the process, as so many new lessons means nothing familiar to fall back upon. This year is my fourth year of teaching Civics & Citizenship to 8th graders and I’ve made some adjustments that I am excited roll out.  At this point, the class is still a new-enough prep that I am pleased by its newness.  At the same time, I’ve done it enough that I have a sense of what works well and what needs fine-tuning.  

But, honestly, most of my ease as I approach the Fall is in the fact that my boy is finding his way.  He is excited about the school he will teach and coach at this year.  He remains at home but for both of us it’s a place of rest and respite, no longer layered with the prospect of minefields.  As Fall approaches both of us look to the new season with excitement at the prospects it offers.  That’s happy!

Cooking Journal: Home Cooking for One

During my time off this month, I took the opportunity to make some truly delicious meals for myself, something that was lost in the shuffle of the last few years.  

I made a caprese-inspired brunch.  

There were plenty of sandwiches, especially BLTs and grilled caprese sandwiches with fresh tomatoes.   

I made corn chowder with some just-picked Jersey corn.  

There were zucchini bites. 

 I am a great cook and I always enjoy cooking for other people.  Since I became single again, I’ve also taken the time to cook for myself.  It’s a form of self-care that puts my needs at the center of my efforts and that it also tastes delicious is icing on the cake.

Seeking Clarity

There is a line in the Indigo Girls’ song “Closer to Fine” that has always spoken to me.  It’s both a comfort and a reminder that I should not give in to my fears: “…Darkness has a call that’s insatiable and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear.”  I’ve thought of these lines a lot lately.

Since last November, I’ve spent a lot of weekends on my own.  At first, there was the novelty of a weekend with no obligation to anyone but myself.  That was freeing, especially as I realized that a house without tension was a really nice place to be; a truly comforting home.  I renewed my joy in hosting people for supper.  Come Spring, some of the novelty of these solitary weekends had worn off and I realized that I needed to make plans for weekends on my own.  With Summer and its relaxed pace on the horizon, I knew I was at risk for the solitary weekends to become opportunities to reflect less on the pleasures of life on my own and more on what I’ve lost.  Down that path lies a sadness that can’t change the past and won’t help my future.  Planning and organization were the remedy. So making weekend plans and to-do lists became my companion. 

I go for a walk in my favorite park.  I schedule a long read and have an extra cup (or two!) of coffee.  I’ve made time to write.  I work on craft projects.  This Summer, I’ve taken a few hours every other weekend for a pedicure and manicure, which I find immensely relaxing in the moment and deeply pleasing afterward. I take the time to make new and familiar recipes, set the table, and savor the food I’ve prepared.  In the evening, I watch some TV and enjoy the ability to choose a show that I like.  In this way, I’m finding my way forward, one to-do item at a time.  

Gratitude Journal : Vermont

I took my last chunk of time off at the start of August.   JT and I headed north to Vermont for a few days.  It’s a place JT loves, with mountains and quiet that feeds his soul.  I’ve been a few times and always enjoyed it; it was nice for him to share his favorite place with me.  There was nothing special on our agenda - just some relaxing days in a beautiful location before the school year starts.  I spent a lot of time on the back deck of the tiny cabin we rented, soaking in the green woods and blue skies, reading, writing, and relaxing.  

JT went for runs on familiar trails and I went for walks.  

In the evening, we enjoyed a soak in a hot tub in the back yard of our Air B&B.  We spent a day noodling around Manchester and its amazing book store.  The trip and the days surrounding it are my last big patch of time off before the start of school.  The time was the culmination of one of the nicest summers I have enjoyed in a while.  It was nice to wrap it up with time together in Vermont.  

Everything about the state and its relaxed vibe is nice.  There is beauty around every corner.  The sky is filled with magnificent light.  These are people whose magnetic poetry kit includes the word “community.”  Right there, you know you are in good hands.

Style Journal: In Praise of Cardigan Sweaters

I love a cardigan sweater.  There is something about them that meets all my style requirements: Casual, dressy, and everything in-between, the cardigan sweater has your back.  Literally.  

Worn buttoned up with just the top button undone and a necklace peeking through: classic and dressy enough for most occasions.  Worn over a matching shell:  a twin set will never be wrong.  Tossed over a t-shirt with a casual denim skirt: cute and casual to meet the day’s requirements.  When you grow up in California, the idea of sweaters feels like a choice that will see you through one short season: Winter. But in my East Coast world, a cardigan is a four-season affair.  I have several, in colors and fabric weights to meet whatever demands I make of them.  

I thought of this when I was in Vermont for a few days off earlier this week.  At the last minute, I threw my light blue three-quarter sleeve cotton cardigan in my bag.  It was handy in the evenings on the back deck of the cabin we stayed; cozy over my nightgown in the morning, and welcome during our rainy day adventures in town.  This sweater is the utility infielder of my Spring and Summer closet.  The color goes with anything - plain and simple without being boring.  I feel just a smidge more put-together when it’s in my bag or draped over my shoulders.  My inner preppy is always best-pleased by its tidy, stylish presence. 

That's happy!

Again!

A couple of evenings this week, my friend K and her family have had supper at my house.  Their own kitchen is being renovated while K is 8 months pregnant and their toddler is busy being a two year old.  Supper seemed like the least I could do to help out.  I’ve enjoyed having them.  

The fact is, I am utterly charmed by two year old D.  She is every inch the two year old and I had forgotten just how much joy and wonder is part of a two year old’s existence.  On Wednesday, D had a fidget toy that made a quirky sound and she was enchanted and excited by it, handing me the toy and waiting with joyful anticipation for me to stretch it out to make its sound, at which point she would laugh and laugh and then demand, “again!”  We played the game again and again because that level of delight in such a small act is not be taken lightly.  It’s a lesson in what matters, taught by a two year old who seemed to instinctively know what my sometimes weary and anxious 56 year old soul needed.  

We should all be so lucky.

Among the Trees: Back Deck Zinnias

My first house in Nebraska had a fireplace with a terrific Craftsmen-style mantle.  In the backyard garden, I grew zinnias, cosmos, dahlias, and gladiola flowers that I arranged in bunches on the mantle all summer long.  I liked coming into the living room and admiring the flowers from my garden.  Sassafras House doesn’t have a fireplace and bouquets get set on the dining room table.  That’s nice, but I have missed flowers in the living room. 

This summer, I planted zinnia seeds in pots on the back deck.  They can be seen out the back window from nearly every vantage point in the living room and it’s been lovely.  

I’ve cut a bouquet or two but mostly I enjoy seeing the flowers from the windows or sitting among them on the back deck.  The bees feel the same way.

That’s happy!

An Independent Woman

 In our last year together, T and I faced some home improvement challenges that we did not handle well as a couple.  My sense at the time - and even more so now - is that in both circumstances she was weirdly unreasonable.  I never said that to her because it would not have helped things in the moment.  Though I held my tongue, in both cases, she was mighty angry with me anyway.  It proved a can’t-win-for-losing-proposition.

 I thought of these challenges on Tuesday afternoon, when I popped into the basement and discovered that my water heater had dumped a whole bunch of water on the floor.  A cursory feel below the tank revealed that it had sprung a leak.  I have a service contract on home appliances like the water heater and I called the repair service.  They came out that night to confirm what was already clear:  I need a new hot water heater.  I made arrangements for installation the next day.  Then I reported on the situation to a couple of friends and prepared to finish out the evening. 

I did all this confidently, in full command of the facts, and by myself.  I was organized and decisive and grateful that there was no one to doubt me or raise barriers to the obviously simple solution at hand.  Because that’s the thing about me: I am capable and independent and I know it.  I ask for help when I need it; I do not doubt what I know to be true and I don’t dilly-dally around because that makes an already- challenging circumstance harder.  That was what made the last two home improvement repairs with T so difficult: she made everything much harder than it needed to be, doubting my judgement in the absence of any valid reason to do so.

Once the repairman left on Tuesday evening,  I made myself a delicious late-night BLT supper (it’s Jersey tomato season, after all) and texted my sister that the hot water heater and I had a good run together.  ”14 years,” I texted, “longer than any adult relationship I’ve ever had.”  She gave the appropriate "ha, ha" response.

I know there is something sad about that claim - it’s no secret that in my darker moments I wonder if it’s something wrong with me that explains why both of my long term relationships have failed.  I sometimes fear that my independence is something that partners find threatening.  But there is also this:  I am damn good at looking after myself.  I always have been and over the years I’ve gotten better at it because I’ve had to do so.  While I wouldn't mind someone taking care of me every once in a while, I suspect that is not in the cards for me.  So I recognize the blessing my independence has proven to be.  I don't apologize for it and I never will.  

August 1: Mama’s Little Shefflura

I bought this shefflura - also known as an umbrella plant because of the shape of the leaves - in a 6 inch pot at Ikea at least 10 years ago.  Ikea is a terrific resource for amazing plants and this little gem is proof.  

Though it’s not really a “little gem” anymore.  At nearly 5 feet tall (and that's after a big pruning), it’s more of a tree, albeit a tree that needs to come inside to survive the Winter season.  In the Summer, it lives in a corner of the front porch.  In the Winter, it comes inside on a wheeled stand because it’s far too heavy for me to maneuver too many steps on my own.  I love it for its lush greenery, its rapid growth, and its insistence of taking up the space it needs to grow.  I find that a powerful reminder that I should unapologetically do the same.