Real Life Texts with KO: Friday in May edition

The Backstory: In the world of schools, May is a juggernaut to be survived.  Getting to the end of the week feels glorious but not all Fridays are created equal.  Yesterday started on a rough note.  I texted my sister and my mom a report.

Me: This morning at 5:45 am, the downstairs toilet clogged.  I fixed it and thought ok…day gets better from here.

Me: At 6:45 am, I discover that Lucy has puked in my bed.  I don’t want a do-over for Friday, I just want it to be over.

KO:  Friday needs to pull its shit together.

Me:  Truth.

Update: The day did improve in that it eventually permitted me to come home from work, cut the grass, wash the sheets of my bed, and dream of sleeping in on Saturday.

Style Journal: Outdoor Living

Come May, I begin to organize the front porch and back deck for the outdoor living season.  Well before May, I am daydreaming about being outside with my face turned toward the light and warmth.  Both the porch and the deck expand the reach of my home and offer a comfortable place to read and relax.  

I have a collection of house flags and I decorate the table on my front porch for every season.  But I pull out all the stops for Summer, which starts when I choose two hanging baskets for the iron hooks on the porch pillars.   

Then I fill the plant stand by the front door with flowers.  This year, I’ve a collection of bright pink geraniums and lighter pink impatiens.  The hanging baskets have heartier New Guinea impatient in a shade of purple.  The front porch is large enough to house all of my houseplants for the summer and they thrive in the warmth and shaded sunlight of the Summer season.  There’s a rocking chair and I will spend hours here in the next few months, reading, resting, and generally enjoying the company of my flowers and houseplants.  

The back deck looks out onto my lush backyard and the fairy garden.  Under the limbs of old man tree, the deck has shade enough to remain cool for big chunks of the day.  

A few years ago, I used my Covid teaching bonus to buy some Polywood chairs and they get a lot of use in the Summer, tucked into the corner and perfect for napping in the sunshine.  

We eat many a grilled meal at this table.  

The back deck also gets flowers.  This year, I started with some pots of begonias to keep me company as I wait for the canna bulbs and zinnia flowers to bloom.  This year, I have five pots of zinnias…..it’s probably too many but I have daydreams of being surrounded by the flowers and I’m looking forward to Mason jars full of zinnia bouquets.

The older I get, the more I love outdoor living.  For most of the cold weather season, I look forward to the days when I can sleep with the windows open and sip my morning coffee outside, where I find peace.  I'm determined to soak up that peace this Summer and that is very happy to contemplate.

Finding My Way Forward

It’s been six since months since T blew up and our life together came to an abrupt end.  I’ve had a lot of time to reflect.  The challenge before me is not being on my own.  It’s finding the space to look after myself; to identify my needs and embrace caring for myself because I know, really know and truly believe, that I matter.  That means supporting myself, slaying my demons, and learning to believe that I am enough on my own, because I am, not because of the things that I do for others.  I tell myself that I am worthy but I need to truly believe it and shut down the inner voice that sometimes tells me I am not..  Daily I look in the mirror and remind myself that I am enough, that I mean something just because I am, not because of what I do or whom I look after.  When I had a partner, who I am felt relational - I am someone’s person; they are mine.  That creates an ‘us’; a ‘we’ and it felt valuable and important.  It gave me strength, even as the relationship was failing and I knew I was not being loved or supported.  My head knows that I matter without an ‘us’ or a ‘we’ and daily I remind my heart to find and know that strength.

Among the Trees: A Celebration of May

Of all the months in New Jersey, May is by far the loveliest.  Trees have begun to leaf out and lawns are a lush, verdant green.  In my yard, some tulip flowers in the northern-facing flowerbeds are still standing tall, I have iris flowers, and the hosta leaves have begun to open.  Later in the month, there will be peonies and rhododendron flowers.   Daytime temperatures are often warm while the nighttime weather is perfect for sleeping.  In short, May is lovely. 

This year is no exception and we’ve had sunshine this week.  The blue skies and fluffy white clouds feel like they are here to feed my soul just when I most need two feel the light.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

 On my own, I know that I must take care of myself so that I can look after the other people in my care.  I’m good at caring for myself and I enjoy the planning involved.  But it requires effort and space to consistently do it with happiness,  without feeling lonely or sometimes downright sad.   

I think that time will make this better.  But right now I struggle to dismiss the thought that I have never been enough for a partner to stick it out for me.  That I tried my best to do that for both of my long term partners is a comfort of sorts.  I now recognize that neither was able to do that for me.  It’s a realization that’s hard to sit with because it makes me feel like I was never enough and never will be.  That is the feeling that I must confront and, I hope, dismiss.  I think that I will be able to do so when I am stronger than I am now.  

And so I wait, sometimes not very patiently.

My Daily Floral Greeting

In late November, Fall Me set to work planting tulip bulbs.  Spring Me is reaping the happy reward of those efforts.  The tulips greet me in the cool May mornings. 

They welcome me home in the afternoon. 

They have been making my days quite lovely and when I see the flowers I send a silent thank you to Fall Me, whose advance planning is paying happy floral dividends.  

Blueberry Hill

I have a preference for soft sheets; really soft sheets.  There are two ways to achieve the level of comfort I desire.  Method 1 is to buy sheets with a thread count in excess of 400.  This results in immediate softness (yeah!) but sheets with a high thread count are often not especially durable and they are pricey.  Method 2 is to purchase a quality percale sheet, usually one with a 250 thread count.  After a year or two of frequent use and washing, the sheets will soften up nicely.  Method 2 requires patience. 

Last Spring, I bought some blueberry print percale sheets from LL Bean.  They were not cheap and at 250 thread count, they weren’t immediately soft, but I knew that with time they would be heavenly.  I also knew that the softening would come upon me gradually, but I am a patient woman.  I change my sheets every Sunday, a habit I learned from my mom.  This week it’s the turn of the blueberry sheets.  I’m a woman of a certain age and so the middle of the night finds me needing to use the bathroom.  Last night, when I crawled back into my nest, I realized that the blueberry sheets are getting soft.  I’m going to call that a happy victory.

May 1: Terra Catta

A few weeks ago, JT and a friend went to Grounds for Sculpture , one of those gems of a place that is tucked into a corner of New Jersey.  They had fun and brought home this charming planter for me.  

I immediately named it Terra Catta because of course I did.  It’s the perfect size for a transplant from one of my other plants and I’m giving a new shefflura a try.  If that doesn’t work, I know that a pothos will and I’m a woman with an abundant pothos collection.  

Terra Catta will please me for years to come and that’s happy.

April Book Report: Mrs Harris Goes to Paris

Earlier this month, I went by the town library and got myself a library card.  When I was growing up, libraries were magical places and everything about them was thrilling.  Filled with the prospect of nearly endless books that I hadn’t yet read, I loved them as a girl.  As a grew up, libraries became places to study and get school work done and I loved them for that.  As a parent, JT and I visited the school library and delighted in a new stack of books to bring home.  It’s been several years since I had a little boy to take to the library but the recent news about book bans and libraries and librarians under attack reminded me of the magic I used to find in libraries.  So I looked up the hours and went to my local library.  

I am best-pleased to report that it is as delightful and happy as the libraries of my girlhood.  I came away with a stack of books and a newfound pleasure in the prospects to be found in this local treasure trove.  

This month’s book report is about a book I found at the local library, a two-volume book by Paul Gallico:  Mrs Harris Goes to Paris & Mrs Harris Goes to New York.  Written in 1958 (and turned into a film last year), the book is about the adventures of an industrious char lady from London.  Mrs Harris, a woman in her 60s, works hard cleaning the homes and tidying up on behalf of posh clients.  She’s been doing so long enough that Mrs Harris may choose her clients and lives a happy, if tiring, life in London.  It’s while she’s cleaning up after Lady Dant that Mrs Harris first sees - and touches - Lady Dant’s beautiful Dior dress.  Mrs Harris is charmed - besotted, really - and the novel is all about the char lady’s effort to acquire her very own Dior dress.  First, she scrimps and saves and finally she sets off to Paris to acquire the gown.  

The novel was a lovely and quick read, funny and clever and the sort of cheering story I love best.  A happy ending is virtually guaranteed from the first page of the novel and the adventure is in the twists and turns that unfold on the way to the inevitable happy conclusion.  Just my sort of book, always, but especially this month which has found me in need of good cheer.  Thanks to the local library (and Mrs Harris!), I found just that.  That's a blessing that will last, I expect and I am grateful for it.

April Showers

My April word graphic includes April showers...which is truly the theme for this last cold, rainy weekend of the month.