On my own, I know that I must take care of myself so that I can look after the other people in my care. I’m good at caring for myself and I enjoy the planning involved. But it requires effort and space to consistently do it with happiness, without feeling lonely or sometimes downright sad.
I think that time will make this better. But right now I struggle to dismiss the thought that I have never been enough for a partner to stick it out for me. That I tried my best to do that for both of my long term partners is a comfort of sorts. I now recognize that neither was able to do that for me. It’s a realization that’s hard to sit with because it makes me feel like I was never enough and never will be. That is the feeling that I must confront and, I hope, dismiss. I think that I will be able to do so when I am stronger than I am now.
And so I wait, sometimes not very patiently.
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