An Independent Woman

 In our last year together, T and I faced some home improvement challenges that we did not handle well as a couple.  My sense at the time - and even more so now - is that in both circumstances she was weirdly unreasonable.  I never said that to her because it would not have helped things in the moment.  Though I held my tongue, in both cases, she was mighty angry with me anyway.  It proved a can’t-win-for-losing-proposition.

 I thought of these challenges on Tuesday afternoon, when I popped into the basement and discovered that my water heater had dumped a whole bunch of water on the floor.  A cursory feel below the tank revealed that it had sprung a leak.  I have a service contract on home appliances like the water heater and I called the repair service.  They came out that night to confirm what was already clear:  I need a new hot water heater.  I made arrangements for installation the next day.  Then I reported on the situation to a couple of friends and prepared to finish out the evening. 

I did all this confidently, in full command of the facts, and by myself.  I was organized and decisive and grateful that there was no one to doubt me or raise barriers to the obviously simple solution at hand.  Because that’s the thing about me: I am capable and independent and I know it.  I ask for help when I need it; I do not doubt what I know to be true and I don’t dilly-dally around because that makes an already- challenging circumstance harder.  That was what made the last two home improvement repairs with T so difficult: she made everything much harder than it needed to be, doubting my judgement in the absence of any valid reason to do so.

Once the repairman left on Tuesday evening,  I made myself a delicious late-night BLT supper (it’s Jersey tomato season, after all) and texted my sister that the hot water heater and I had a good run together.  ”14 years,” I texted, “longer than any adult relationship I’ve ever had.”  She gave the appropriate "ha, ha" response.

I know there is something sad about that claim - it’s no secret that in my darker moments I wonder if it’s something wrong with me that explains why both of my long term relationships have failed.  I sometimes fear that my independence is something that partners find threatening.  But there is also this:  I am damn good at looking after myself.  I always have been and over the years I’ve gotten better at it because I’ve had to do so.  While I wouldn't mind someone taking care of me every once in a while, I suspect that is not in the cards for me.  So I recognize the blessing my independence has proven to be.  I don't apologize for it and I never will.