The loss of my independence has been the greatest struggle of this hip situation for me. I cannot just easily stand up, walk around, and do what I want. Pain makes me cautious and slow and I do not enjoy that. For all activities, I have to be aware of the prospect of overwhelming pain. Since some things have to get done - work, laundry, tidying the house, grocery shopping - those chores are the focus of my time. I try my best to have pain under control so that I can do the things I must do. Things that I might like to do - a walk in the park, a trip to the craft store, gardening beyond basic yard work - require pain-free (or pain in control) time and that is a spare commodity. It’s frustrating and it feels a little unreal that my life can be so suddenly limited. Add to that the fact that I must lose some weight to have the surgery that will enable me to live freely again and I find myself feeling like my life matters less because I’m fat. Since it’s been the work of my lifetime to believe that I matter and have value no matter my weight, it’s a demoralizing place to occupy.
So I slog on, still (mostly) convinced that I matter, no matter what medicine claims. And when the pain is at its greatest, I demand that my internal dialogue cheer me on, with every step repeating that I matter and that I am the toughest lady around. Because I do matter and damnit, I am tough.
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