In the first years after the break-up of my relationship with JT's other mom, I floundered and struggled to find and like myself; to find meaning in this new life that was thrust upon me. There were landmines everywhere, often when I least expected them, and I learned to be on guard against new ways of being hurt. It was a game of sorts, one I had to play whether I wanted to or not. I longed for a share of happiness in the love of another. In equal measure I feared taking a chance to find it. Such fears are pernicious and hard; they make no room for taking a risk to find joy. So I built a life that walled off the prospect of a great love; a life that pretended such a love didn't matter to me. It was a happy enough life, if not a fulfilled one. I was managing.
Deep in my heart, I never gave up hope that love could find me. I kept that wish under cover. I'd experience a longing for it at such funny moments. I'd see something and wish I had a sweetie to give such a token. I'd ignore memories of places I loved because there was no one to share the laughter and joy of the place. I'd avoid favorite stories of my past because they featured a jarring reminder of a life now gone. I'd fill my own Christmas stocking with great care, knowing that I really wanted to fill one for a sweetie. I'd plan out my childless weekend hours and have fun with friends. I'd think that I had this new life mastered. But then I'd come home to a quiet house and wonder if I could ever really master the emptiness. I hoped to find a connection that clicked; the one that would allow me to the freedom to love back unrestrained, whole-heartedly, and with abandon. I knew such things rarely fall into one's hands; I'd have to go looking. But that was a scary prospect, one filled with risk I wasn't sure I could endure. How much more happiness could I expect from life?
Earlier this year, as spring made its annual claims on my heart's longings, I took the plunge and gave meeting people a try. It would be fair to say that I was terrified and elated in equal measure. And now I'm so very glad that I took that risk. I've found her, the girl who makes my heart full. She's amazing….funny, kind-hearted, happy, handy and with an amazing smile and a capacity to love back that leaves me breathless. She brings me more joy than I ever imagined could exist for me. And the biggest wonder of it all is that she loves me right back. Her name is T and she'll be around life at Sassafras House a lot more often as fall arrives. I'm looking forward to more laughter, more happiness, and a life that feels full and complete.
That's very, very happy.
4 comments:
What happy news -- I'm glad for you!
Hooray for a full heart!!!!
Yay! That is some of the bestest news of the day. My heart is so happy for you.
That fried chicken worked, huh? :-) I'm only half kidding when I say Colby would leave me for some more of that risotto.
Post a Comment