Happy Days

I remember a moment in May of 2018, as JT’s high school graduation and then departure from home for college was rapidly approaching, when I felt lost in the face of the coming changes.  I didn’t feel quite ready to give up my job as a full-time mama and I longed to stop time and even rewind it to experience again the days of working full time and then coming home to supervise homework, wash the laundry, get supper on the table, and tuck an eight-year-old into bed at night.  

I’m a realist and even in the midst of that longing, I remembered that those days weren’t always easy.  But on that day in May, as I was about to celebrate a high school graduate and was looking at a future that felt uncertain, I wished to go back.  

I am never a fan of uncertainty and the prospect of an “empty nest” (what a horrible phrase!) was uncertain.  How would I feel after JT left for school?  Would life (and the house) be too quiet?  Would I miss him with an empty aching feeling?  Worse yet, would he be homesick?  I thought he was ready to go but what if I was wrong?  How would I fill the time ahead of me?  The questions piled up as the uncertainty loomed.  

Sitting here now, from the vantage point of more than a year since that transition,  I see those longings in a more complete framework.  Some days, as I leave work with a bag full of things to be done at home, I wonder how I ever did it all.  JT is home for Thanksgiving Break, his second one as a college boy, and he’s happy and settled.  Life without a child at home turns out to be full and busy, with text messaging as the primary tool of my parenting game and time for T and I to enjoy one another’s company.  Between T and two cats, the house never feels lonely.  There is less laundry and the house stays clean for longer.  It turns out I find that quite lovely.

Being the parent of a young adult is a different sort of challenge and the fact that I like the man JT is becoming is a happy blessing.  My heart is full and glad and that’s a very nice way to contemplate the coming Thanksgiving.

Doppelgänger

When he was 4, JT picked up a picture of me as a child and asked me why he was wearing a dress.  That memory came to mind this week when I was cleaning out closets and cubbies and came across a collection of school pictures from my childhood.  It would seem that kindergarten was no laughing matter.

I’ve always known that JT looks like me but this picture really drove the point home.  When I set it alongside a picture of JT at the same age I was amused, even if age 4 JT was simply tolerating having his picture made.

A much larger boy than this has been home from college this week and we’ve hung out, watched (and judged!) endless episodes of House Hunters, played cards, and generally relaxed.  He’s let me feed him and I’ve used his strength to get some house chores done.  On Sunday, he heads back to school for the outdoor track season and the last 8 weeks of classes.  Then his first year of college will be in the books.  And my mind will still be spinning, wondering at the rapid passage of time.

Spring!

Though I like all of Mother Nature’s seasons, I greet the arrival of Spring with a giddy happiness that surprises me each year. When the days lengthen and my spirits pick up, I’m reminded anew that Spring really is my favorite season.  It’s chirping birds, sunlight, blooms in a cheery array of colors, trees with unfurling leaves, and fresh green everywhere I look. We're just at the start of the season and I have to look carefully to see the signs, but they are present everywhere, as in the tight buds of my backyard dogwood tree.

Last year, Spring arrived on schedule but with it came the ever-more-sure realization that my time as a full-time mama was coming to a close.  That development filled me with anxiety; at times it was hard for me to enjoy the season, which felt less like a beginning than an end.  I feared that I wasn’t ready.  Fast forward a year and I’ve had the time to adjust to my new status as mama of a college boy.  Better than that, it turns out that anticipation of his departure was far worse than the actual departure.  The year has been good.  He’s been happy at school; I’ve been happy at home.  So this Spring, I’m determined to embrace the season with no lingering anxiety about the changes coming my way.   Living in the moment is my biggest challenge and I’m prepared to take it on.

We’ve had a nice patch of sunshine and more signs of Spring arrive each day.  The peach tree is getting ready.

It is a treat to step out in the sunlight and see what the day’s sunshine and warmth has brought forth.  Welcome Spring!

Throwback: Year 17

By this time next week, JT will be home from college for his first Winter Break.  The floor will creak with his steps above and the laundry basket will rapidly fill up.  It will be nice to hear his voice and laughter in the house.  I plan to be well-stocked with cookies and taco suppers.  I started these Thursday posts about JT growing up because I thought they would help me to adjust to my new life as the mama of a college boy.  They’ve turned out to be a happy set of memories and that’s been sweet.

2017, the year JT turned 17, was a lesson in letting go.  It was also a year of running everywhere to watch JT run.  The New Year started with an early morning 5k race.  

In August, he joined some friends and his RPS coach for a mud run.

He spent a lot of time with the lovely A and their laughter filled our home.

2017 was filled with the planning to send this boy off to college.  He drove himself to school on the first day of his Senior year; the first time in 14 years that I went to the first day of school without him.  A lot of the year was that way, an adjustment to his coming departure to college.

In the fall, we visited Springfield College for a second time and I knew then that he would go to school there.

 It was the year that demonstrated the power of running in his life.  He ran and ran and ran, often finishing in the top tier of racers and nearly always besting his time.  It was a pleasure to watch him find such joy in racing, a glimpse into his future as the young man who was once my little boy.

Throwback Year 16

The year that he turned 16 was the year that JT really discovered running.  They’d been acquainted for a some time, of course.  As a little boy he had asked me why anyone would walk when they could run.  But 16 year old JT took it to a whole new level.  In June, T, JT, and I made a trip to Missouri and watched some baseball.  

Much to our surprise, JT ran each day of that vacation.  We came home and he kept running.  By the time August arrived, he’d developed a daily habit.  Every morning he’d wake up and go outside to stretch and run.

He started the fall Cross Country season running in the middle of the JV team.  He ended it as the fastest runner on the team.

The hard work paid off in wrestling as well.  The season began with 6 am runs on the trails outside the gym at school and it featured some nice wins in matches.

I enjoyed cheering him on, of course.  But my enduring memory of the year was the realization that my boy had found a powerful thing for himself.  Living with a 16 year old always has challenges but many of them were eased by miles and miles of running, where JT found direction and contentment.

Throwback Year 15

JT grew tall in year 15 and regularly towered over T and I.

He was a workhorse of snow removal.

There was sass, of course.

When I look at these pictures, I see glimpses of his face today.  More often I see his childhood in this still boyish face.  We were a year away from the transformation that would be age 16.

This is the last of the chubby-cheeked boy.  A young man was on his way.

Throwback Year 14

JT was in the 8th grade when he turned 14.  At turns, he was playful.

And then grown up, as he finished 8th grade and started 9th.

To celebrate how hard he worked in 8th grade, T and I took him to St. Louis to see Cardinal Stadium and watch a game.

In June, we travelled to Scandinavia with my family to celebrate my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.

It was a year with laughter and adventure and, on this day, I am especially thankful for the memories.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

Throwback Year 13

I started these posts to enjoy some happy memories of life as a full-time mama as I adjusted to life as the mama of a college boy.  Next week at this time, that boy will be home for Thanksgiving.  I’m looking forward to having him back in my house and under my care, convinced as I am that he needs a little spoiling and feeding.  

JT was a handful at age 13, alternately charming and sometimes frustrating as he made his way toward independence. That year, he enjoyed a birthday feast of the most unhealthy sort.

I quit fighting the battle over the need to wear long pants and a jacket, enduring the judgmental looks of other parents as needed.

I laughed where laughter was an option.

It was the last summer we went camping at Cape Cod, where the usual adventures abounded.

While we were camping that summer, I had a vision of what this boy would look like when he grew into a man.

This picture sits in my office, in a place where I spend my days with 13 year olds who, like 13 year olds everywhere, are amusing and infuriating in equal measure. It’s a reminder that 13 is on the cusp of big changes; the sort that bring an end to childhood; the kind that make patience, love, and laughter the best allies of parents everywhere.

Throwback Year 12

Looking back, the age of 12 saw a big transition for my boy.  There were braces to start things off.

By the end of the year, JT had sorted out the truth about Santa and learned to enjoy Christmas without that particular bit of magic.

There was a lot of change in the year that JT was 12; the move from 6th to 7th grade is a bigger change than just one year and one grade and all of that was evident the year my boy turned 12.  That fall, 7th grade health class required a weekend with Baby-Think-It-Over, an experience that found our boy being thoughtful.

The year included many of the adventures that reminded me that there was still a lot of little boy to be found.

Year 12 also marks the first time JT wore a school jersey and ran for a team.  Seen here at the starting line, jawing at his coach, he's the boy I know and love.

His first sport was cross country and that’s the sport that motivates him today.  Age 12 is not the first time I saw that running made JT happy, though it is the point I realized how much running could mean to him.  Six years flies by when it's spent running.

Throwback Year 11

In 2011, JT was in 5th and 6th grade.  At 11, he was still a boy, though less and less little.  At the time, it was hard to believe that adolescence was coming.  In hindsight, it had us in its crosshairs.  The Winter of 2010-2011 was epic around here and we got boatloads of snow.  JT reveled in that and played outside in the snow for hours and hours.

In late January, he broke his thumb and had a cast for a few weeks.

In true JT fashion, it didn’t slow him down even a little bit.  We went on our usual assortment of adventures, from camping to baseball games.

There was plenty of time spent outdoors.

He got his first iPad.  He proved a proud and careful owner of it. 

In June, when our car needed towing, he sat in the driver seat and showed me how to be a true Jersey driver.

As I look at these photos, I still see a little boy.  That was about to change and though I am proud of the young man he’s become and the man he’s becoming, part of me still misses that sweet boy.