Reality Bites

As a result of the legal agreement I came to with my ex, she has JT for two weekends a month and for two additional weeks over the course of the calendar year.  In the grand scheme of things, it's not really much.  On a daily basis, my house is his home; I am the parent most often in his life.  Sometimes, when her time comes around I'm even a little grateful for a few hours to myself.

But once those hours have passed, reality sets in.  Reality is that time off isn't really what I want, even if I need it.  Reality is that  her weekends with JT leave me at cross-purposes.  For most of my days and nights I am the mama, party of one.  There are plenty of chores and responsibilities to fill my time.  The time is always carefully marked with the reality of raising my son and keeping our household humming.  And then, just when I've got my pace, along comes a weekend in which I have no parental responsibilities, at least in the form of a ever-present child with immediate needs and requests.  I plan things to do, of course.  And often it's things that I enjoy.  But it's not the same. 

If I mention this to other parents, parents who still have partners, they invariably sigh and tell me how much they'd love some time to themselves.  As if this is a luxury I should enjoy, one they can't take for granted.  I've given up trying to explain that this is no luxury; that there is nothing about my life that should strike longing in their hearts.  In fact, I try not to bring up at all ----- it's not worth being misunderstood or, more often, dismissed.  What I really want to say is that nearly four years into the destruction of my family, those weekends still feel like  interruptions  into my regular routine; a regularly unpleasant reminder of a life I didn't choose.

I feel ungrateful when I express it this way.  I'm frustrated with myself for feeling dissatisfied; I know I should be grateful for everything that I do have in this world.  I am grateful.  But I miss having a family to care for on a Saturday night and I'm tired of pretending otherwise.  So I'm just going to say it:  I really miss loving my life.