Reflections on a Trip to Costco

I go to Costco with an empty trunk, a list, a ponytail holder, clothing with pockets, and wearing comfortable shoes. 

In all fairness, I go everywhere this way.  But every trip I make to Costco reveals that this is not the approach of all shoppers.

Without fail, I roll into the Costco parking lot and see a shopper with an overflowing cart (or two!) that is now to be crammed into an already overflowing car.   You don’t just show up at Costco, so I find this choice perplexing.  It’s January and now you’re in a cold and windy parking lot trying to cram 150 rolls of toilet paper into your jam-packed car vehicle.  How does this happen?

The number of shoppers wandering around without a plan (and, as a consequence, now-overly full carts packed with cereal their children will never fully consume) astounds me.  It’s not the biggest problem in the giant store but it’s also not how I roll.

To the lady wearing leather pants and stiletto heels: I salute you.  I will admit that I am confused.  This is not a club, it’s a bulk-buy warehouse, but you do you. 

I learn a great deal on my trips to Costco and I will note for the record that though I am often startled, I am never disappointed.

New Jerseyans at Costco

On Monday afternoon, I headed to Costco at 3 pm.  I was pleased that I had avoided the weekend crowds and I naively assumed that the day’s Costco run would be easy-peasy.

Ha.

It would seem that at my local Costco, Monday is senior citizen day.  It was a feisty and argumentative crowd the filled the store on Monday.  I am a youthful 51 and, I note, well-behaved in public places.   But that was not the theme of the day.  I noted the following:

1.  The Costco parking lot often achieves maximum cart crimes, with people abandoning their empty cart in the lot rather than walking it over to the cart rack.  But Monday brought something new.  I watched an older couple park their car, get out, and promptly move nearby abandoned carts into the empty space next to their car, so that no one could park next to them.  

2.  Once inside, there was the usual array of snacks available and I watched a woman attempt to sneak herself a pair of plastic gloves from one of the food displays.  When the Costco employee objected, the lady aggressively explained that she wanted a napkin.  Costco employee was having none of that and voices were raised.  I wheeled away.

3.  I made my way toward the back of the warehouse for a visit to the cheese aisle, only to be struck by a number of folks milling around the roasted chicken section.  New chickens were coming off the roaster and in typical Jersey style, folks were jostling with their carts to get toward the front of the line.  Then they were taking two chickens; one woman even sought three.  Those who found themselves at the back of the roasted chicken line commenced loud complaining, demanding a two-chicken limit.  With no plans to secure a roasted chicken and concerned about the tenor of the chicken patrons, I headed to the refrigerator to bulk-buy ultra-pasteurized half and half for my coffee.

4.  The checkout lines were busy because….Costco.  But I chose one, only to discover there was a hold up.  While the clerk waited for the manager, the people ahead of me in line began to defect.  But instead of going to the end of another line, I watched a woman with a full cart shove her way into the next line over.  The folks in line and I watched, incredulous, as she cut the line from the side.  When the clerk asked who was next, she claimed her stolen spot while the rest of us silently observed.  Only when she began to actually unpack her cart did the judgement and complaining ensue.  But the line-cutter was stoic, raising her chin defiantly and refusing to yield.  The people now behind her in line muttered under the breath and cast her character into doubt for the whole of her transaction.  She didn't give a damn.

When I finished, I left the store, emptied my cart into my car, returned it to the cart rack (!), and carefully eased my way out of the parking lot and into the traffic for my drive home.  It was not our finest community display, that’s for damned sure.

Saturday at Costco: Why Do I Do This to Myself? edition

Whenever possible, I make my Costco run on a weeknight, when the overcrowding potential is low.  But so far May has been too busy for that and this morning found me using the last of the half and half for my coffee, an event that could signal the apocalypse.  Needs must, as they say.  So I headed to Costco.  The parking lot was full and I abandoned my car in the first parking spot I could find, girded myself, and entered America’s favorite shopping warehouse.

The only advantage of Costco on weekend is that you will see some things that amuse.  Usually, it’s in the form of atypical sartorial choices, but today's weirdness came in the form of inexplicable shopping choices.  In list form, then:

1.  A woman with her entire cart filled to the brim with hot dog buns.  There was nothing else, including the actual hotdogs.  Surely she was there with a friend whose cart contained the requisite hotdogs and condiments?  I looked but never saw a companion cart.  I want to know the rest of this story.

2.  A woman with a case of Vienna sausages.  I’ve always assumed no one ever bought these.  Today proved my wrong.

3.  A long line of Indian people looking to try out a Costco-sized display of pre-prepared Indian food.  By the comments, I gather that the chicken tikka masala was pretty good.  This isn’t particularly odd, but there is delicious Indian food everywhere in New Jersey and it’s all available for take out.  I wouldn’t solve that problem for myself via Costco.

4.  An unfortunately detailed conversation between a long-married couple about their need to try a new brand of better-quality toilet paper.  I get it, but maybe have that convo at home and then come to Costco and make a final selection in silence?

And my favorite sighting…..two little boys, about 5 years old, daring one another to enter the cold-storage dairy section, and laughing with delight at their bravery.  They were cute as a minute and a reminder that joy can be found in the mundane.  Today, they were my joy.

In the interests of full disclosure, my cart is pictured below.  The sweet peppers and raspberries were impulse purchases.  Cream for my coffee needs are met through mid-June; thank heavens for the world of ultra-pasteurized dairy.

From start to finish, I was in the store for 30 minutes, which has to rank as impressive on a Saturday and is a testament to list-based shopping.  Parking lot extraction took 7 minutes and reminded me why back-up cameras were invented (JT’s car has one but my wagon does not).  When I started my car, the song on my randomized iPod playlist was Roxy Music’s “More Than This,” which seemed a tad over-enthusiastic about Costco.  But I made it out alive, and for a Saturday at Costco, I’ll take it.

Sunday at Costco: Why? edition

It snowed on Saturday and the six hours of smelling wrestlers in the gym exhausted T and me.  After the grappling, we sought naps, not more time in the company of people.  So, instead of going to Costco on Saturday, I went on Sunday.  Happily, there was no shortage of strange sightings to behold.

1. A man in camo shorts, dress shoes, and a sweatshirt pushing a cart full with a toddler and average food items.  Had he run out of suitable clothes for shopping?  Come from a church-related hunting outing? It’s so hard to know.

2.  A different man in cargo shorts, hiking boots, a winter hat and a heavy parka.  Again, I am forced to wonder exactly where he had been or where he was headed.

In both instances, I must also admit: my son wears shorts all year, pretty much no matter the weather.  Is he going to be one of those men someday?

3.  Two men haranguing their disinterested wives, who were filling their carts with your usual Costco items.

4.  Countless examples of leggings.  Internet, I believe I have made myself clear on this matter.

In the interest of full disclosure, my cart contained the following items: 5 cartons of ultra-pasteurized half & half (Mama’s coffee needs are met through February); a 3-pack package of organic chicken breasts; 1 bin of fresh blueberries; 2 loaves of bread; and a 5-pack of men’s deodorant.  I was not wearing leggings.

Oh, New Jersey.

Saturday at Costco: September 3 edition

Early in August, T and I rolled into Costco on a Saturday morning.  Most customers had full shopping carts but T and I were bemused by one elderly man who needed no cart and had braved the parking lot for just one item: A Costco-sized bag of prunes.  T and I looked at one another and shared the same silent thought: I hope that works out for you, sir.

For reasons of crowded lines, poor decision-making,  and Jersey-style parking lots, I try to avoid Costco on Saturdays.  But I work for a living and sometimes I have no choice but to roll into the insanity on a Saturday.  There is an upside to this kind of poor decision-making on my part: Costco’s Saturday shoppers often provide me some very confounded amusement.  In this spirit, I am pleased to offer a new occasional feature here at Sassafras Mama: Saturday at Costco.

On the Saturday of Labor Day weekend, Costco shoppers really dialed up the crazy.  On this day, I saw the following:

1.  A man with long dreads, wearing shorts, a dapper buttoned sport coat, and sunglasses.  He had plenty of gold chains but no shirt under the jacket.  It seemed like a collection of odd fashion decisions for a jaunt to Costco but he was working it, so who I am I to judge?

2.  A man with a cart that was empty but for 12 roasted chickens. 

3.  A man with the usual assortment of Costco items, as well as 2 dozen bottles of fish oil pills.  

In the interests of fairness, I disclose that I came to Costco wearing a skirt, a t-shirt, and flip flops.  Not a thrilling combo, but not shocking.  I bought the following: a package of chicken breasts, bacon, and 4 cartons of ultra-pasteurized half and half. 

Carry on, Costco shoppers.