The backstory: On Instagram, I follow a woman named Jen Hatmaker. She lives in Austin, Texas and writes about her life as a wife, mother, and Christian. On the face of it, we don’t have much in common, but I like her sensibility and her sense of humor. From her, I’d adopted the idea of an occasional rant about the small annoyances in life. She calls her rants “Not a Fan” and that rather sums it up, so my occasional rants will also arrive under that title.
1. Yoga Pants at School
Part of my job as Assistant Principal comes with the expectation that I will enforce the dress code, which forbids leggings, leotards, yoga pants, and all things of that ilk unless they are worn under a skirt, dress, or tunic top. With the caveat that there are a near endless variations of these things that you may wear to cover your backside, I’m calling them all yoga pants. In the world of adolescence, everything is negotiable and thus I often find myself in the unenviable position of saying to a young woman that her top is not long enough to be worn with her yoga pants. I am not a fan of these conversations and I wish that the mothers of my school would stop this problem at the pass by not permitting their daughters to leave home in clinging yoga pants and short tops.
2. People Who Complain to Me About Girls Wearing Yoga Pants at School
The only thing worse than dealing with girls and their revealing yoga pants is people who complain to me about girls wearing yoga pants to school. I enjoy these conversations even less than I enjoy speaking with the girls themselves about their yoga pants. That the complainers are sometimes guilty of wearing yoga pants themselves makes it even better.
3. Yoga Pants
I do not care for the current style of wearing yoga pants all the time. Under no circumstances do I wish to see your bootie in a pair of yoga pants. I will tolerate it at the gym because, hey, you may be headed to yoga. But otherwise, I feel like your yoga pants create a level of intimacy between us that I do not wish to experience. Athleisure wear, it's time for your turn in the limelight to end.
4. Pants at All, Actually
I personally do not enjoy wearing pants. I prefer a skirt or a dress. In theory, I can see that pants may be handy. In practice, I find them binding and uncomfortable. In the Summer, I never think about pants. But when the weather turns cool, I imagine that pants would make life easier. They’d be easier than putting on tights to keep my legs from turning blue, I think. In theory, I could slip my pants on and run my errands, attend the athletic event du jour, and go countless other places where pants would be convenient. In reality, I dislike the way pants feel, I don’t care for my appearance in them, and I feel silly when I wear them. So pants and I are barely on speaking terms and soon enough I will be longing for warmer days when a skirt and flip flops will do the job.