Sunday, October 15, 2006

If I Could Stop Time

The prompt over at Sunday Scribblings this week is "what would you do if you could stop time?" It's a perfect prompt for me because I think of this quite often. And I know exactly what I would do if I could stop time.

Last night JT had a nightmare and so in the middle of the night my big, long boy joined me in my bed. The child is a heat-generating machine and was a most pleasant addition under the quilts on a cold fall night. He slept in my bed when he was an infant because we were – gasp – advocates of the family bed. Some of my best memories of baby JT's infancy are those early mornings when all three of us would come awake at the same time, together and whole, a complete and happy family.

He's been sleeping alone for years now and other things have changed as well. But through the years I have often wished that I could hit the rewind button and re-live some of the moments of my son's life.

I'd like to hold his baby self again for the very first time. I still recall the feelings which overwhelmed me at that moment, how much I instantly loved him. I vividly recall the things I told him on his first day of life, when I held him and smelled him and looked into his big dark eyes and promised him that I would always love him and that he would have a happy, happy life. Things felt so sure and so true on that day and I'd like to be there again.

I'd like to re-live his first Mother's Day, when fresh out of his bath, lying on our bed wrapped in his yellow towel, he laughed for the first time. It was a big belly laugh and Lisa and I just stood there amazed at this tiny miracle that we had in our lives. We laughed with him that day.

I'd watch again as my grandmother held her 5 month old grandson for the first time. I took a picture of that moment, never imagining that it would be the last week that I would see her alive.

I'd like to stand in the hallway in my house in Nebraska and re-live that moment when I heard my 11 month old son say his first word....."toothbrush, toothbrush, toothbrush" he chanted as he walked around the house on his unsturdy legs.

I'd re-live every Christmas morning since my boy was old enough to truly understand and appreciate the concept of Santa Claus. I'd watch his eyes grow wide with joy and wonder as he came downstairs to see what Santa had left for him. I'd enjoy the happiness of that moment.

And I think that I'd like to re-live a moment that happened just yesterday. It was a rough day - more on that later - and we were heading into Target when JT looked at me and saw tears on my cheeks. He took hold of my hand and gently said to me, "It's going to be okay, Mama." And with his warm hand holding mine I really believed that it might be okay someday.

There are so many more moments that I would re-live. But until I get that magical rewind button, memories will have to suffice.

And they do.


javacurls said...

Lovely posting. I also wrote about reliving moments in my son's life. Watching him grow up is amazing but also bittersweet.

Jerri said...

What lovely memories you have. You describe them so well, it's as though you HAVE that magic rewind button for which you wish.

Blessings to you and JT.

kln said...

you brought tears to my eyes...

but wait until he's a teenager!