The post over at Sunday Scribblings is arch-nemesis. I've never been the sort of person to hold on to a grievance. I don't like being angry. But in the last few months, I've been angrier than I've ever experienced before. Sometimes I think about my ex and her actions and her words and I just want her to hurt as much as I have hurt; as much as JT has hurt. Is Lisa my arch-nemesis?
The thing is, I'm not proud of feeling this way. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be a person who is out there increasing the sum total of unhappiness in the world, even if it is for someone who has richly earned a little unhappiness. Don't get me wrong: I'm human and I'd like Lisa to reap the unhappiness she has sown. I just want it to happen without any assistance from me.
So I don't think that Lisa really is my arch-nemesis. I think that my baser instincts are my arch-nemesis. When your life is shattered in the way that mine has been, you have a tendency to blame yourself. Almost daily I ask what I did wrong, why she couldn't love me, and why the life we built together was valuable to me while it was a cage for her. This internal dialogue gets me nowhere. I need to be aware of how I feel, and I need to be kind to myself but dwelling on the pain won't make it go away. And I also need to realize that how Lisa feels, or if she feels, are not really my problem. Whether or not Lisa ever hurts for what she's done isn't going to change me. And it isn't going to change this situation in which I have found myself. It won't change things for my son.
Some days that's awfully hard to remember.