Sunday, November 19, 2006

Heroes

The prompt over at Sunday Scribblings today is heroes. For the last few days, I've been thinking about what I want to write and I saw that my friend S wrote about being a hero in your own life. That, plus some idle thoughts of my own gave me my idea.

While I've been in the hotel this weekend, sans many of the usual responsibilities of my life, I've been reading my Country Living magazine and looking at the Christmas ideas. Christmas was one of those things that Lisa and I did really well. Together, we developed traditions to pass on to JT and we always enjoyed doing so. December is a magical time to be a little boy and JT's mommies always made the most of it.

Now the traditions and the celebrating are left to me. I'll get out the decorations, put up the lights and the tree, bake the cookies, and make sure that my boy still feels the joy. But right now I just feel like I will be going through the motions for his sake. For me, the biggest happiness of Christmas was sharing JT with his mommy. Having someone to be in on the secrets and playing Santa on Christmas Eve was the magic for me. Like many of the things that I have had to do alone, I'm sure that I will manage. Maybe I'll even be pleasantly surprised.

But at this moment I'm just afraid. I'd like to curl up in my bed and pretend that Christmas isn't here. And this is where being my own hero comes in. In so many ways I've been really proud of myself as I've navigated the painful changes to my world. So much of my identity was caught up in being Lisa's partner that losing her was a bit like losing half of myself. I've discovered the missing parts of Stacy and that's been good. But it's also been painful and sometimes I feel like I've just scaled one mountain only to find that yet another is just around the corner.

Christmas is that next mountain and I dearly want to enjoy the season. I want to watch the joy in JT's eyes and feel at peace. I don't want to be afraid of the changes anymore. I want to embrace the newness of my life and find some unexpected happiness. I want to be the hero in my own world.

2 comments:

Shelley said...

I am feeling for you as you await the day when the mountains start to feel like foothills again...

and in the meantime, Thanksgiving is going to ROCK!

giggles said...

Being your own hero is a wonderful aspiration, which I have no doubt you will accomplish. Getting to really know all the aspects of self can lead you to some mysterious discoveries. Joys you could never imagine! Best wishes on your endeavors!