Primarily Nuts

One of the things I find tiresome about presidential primaries is the degree to which the early voting states smugly assert their qualifications to be the first arbiters of who is qualified to govern the rest of us.  I'm alternately bemused and annoyed at the degree to which these states order us to trust their judgment; the not-so-subtle subtext being that they know better than us, residents of inferior states, who should run the government.  This year's GOP primary has brought us special evidence of the peculiarity of this arrangement.

First up was Iowa, a state asserting it's midwestern heartland qualifications.  I could go on and on about how ridiculous this claim is, but I shall confine myself to a few criticisms.   First up, your state is losing population to the rest of the nation.  If the Hawkeye state is so damned awesome, why are your people fleeing?  Second, the butter cow.  I could endorse a cow carved with butter if you then served up the butter cow with some fresh-baked bread.  But you save the butter and carve next year's cow from the same rancid butter year-after-year, Iowa.  If that's not a metaphor for something tarnished about your state, I don't know what is.  Finally, I offer up the evidence that you can't even count your own ballots.  Sorry, Iowa, but I just can't trust your (cornfed) judgment.

Maybe there is hope to be found in New Hampshire?  I will freely admit that I've never been to the Granite State and I don't know any native New Hampshirites.  But New Hampshire's primary claim to presidential power is that they've always gone first and that they are moderates.  Claiming shotgun on the primary process is not a qualification, New Hampshire.  It's an annoyance.  As for your so-called moderation, those "live free or die" license plates imply a rather immoderate solution, don't you think?

On the other hand, at least New Hampshire isn't the nullifying crazytown also known as South Carolina, a state once characterized as "too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum."  That idea was first offered up by South Carolinian James Petigru more than 150 years ago but remains just as accurate today. As if that wasn't enough, may I point out that South Carolina's  GOP voters just endorsed the candidacy of an ethically-challenged, megalomaniac presidential candidate named Newt?  Seriously, WTF, South Carolina? 

On the other hand, at least the Palmetto State isn't Florida, a state whose voters recently elected a felonious governor.  Sure, the weather is nice.  But other than that and the orange juice, you bring nothing to the table, Florida.  In 2000, your ridiculousness landed us 8 years of George W. Bush in the White House, which should have caused the rest of us to kick you out of the union or take away your voting rights.  Or both.  Florida, your state is where crazy goes to retire.  The last thing I want from you is advice on whom we should elect president. 

It's true that I live in New Jersey, a state that is the butt of any number of jokes.  Not to mention Governor Jersey Shore Christie.  But I'm not asking for the Garden State to vote first.  I'm merely noting that the system we currently employ is ridiculously stupid.   The time has come for organized regional primaries.  Let's get a plan, America.  If not, we deserve the nonsense that is coming our way.