Real Life Conversations with T: Millions and Millions edition

The backstory: As we watched the January 6 Senate debate unfold (more on that soon), Kelly Loeffler, Republican from Georgia, stood up to speak.  I turned to T and offered a thought.

Me:  That woman spent $100 million of her own money to get re-elected to the Senate.

T:  No…she spent $100 million to lose the Senate race.

Truth.  Democrats picked up both the seats in Georgia’s January 5 run-off election and with it control of the U.S. Senate.  That good news was overshadowed thanks to the Wednesday’s events at the Capitol.  But when the dust settles, the victory of Rapfael Warnock and Jon Ossoff will matter a great deal.  In these hard times, that is good news.

Real Life Texts with T: Water edition

The backstory:  Between the broken dishwasher (the water pump failed) and the kitchen leak from the upstairs shower, water and I have been struggling in 2020.  I came to school today and was here less than an hour when a student reported water leaking in the girls bathroom.  This led to a text exchange with T.

Me:  There is a toilet leaking in the girl’s bathroom.  Pretty much everywhere I go there is a water problem.  WTF?

T:  Water always wins - ask the Grand Canyon.

Truth.

Real Life Conversations with T: Pothole Repair edition

The Backstory: Potholes in New Jersey are a perpetual and serious problem.  In the last two years, both T and I have made expensive car repairs thanks to damage wrought by potholes.  There are streets in this state that cannot be driven because the potholes are so bad; some are in my town.  Given the fact that we have state, county, and town governments, the lack of pothole repair is one of the things that most annoys me about New Jersey.  So the Domino’s ad where they advertised that they will repair potholes so you can safely drive your pizza home really struck a chord with me.

Me: Really?  We’ve gotten to the point where pizza delivery is also handling pothole repair?

T: I don’t know why you’re bitching instead of calling and ordering a pizza.  It’s the only hope we’ve got.

She has a point.

Real Life Conversations with T: Immunity edition

The backstory: As a schoolteacher for more than 15 years, I’ve been around plenty a contagion.  Between runny noses and coughing fits, schools are cesspools of germs.  Over the years, my body has learned to fight most of them off and so I don’t often get sick, despite the abundant opportunities to do so.  However, a few weeks ago, I picked up a mild cold and T was worried.

T:  If it got you, it must be something horrible.  It’s probably cholera.

The “cholera” turned into a sinus infection but I’m better now.

Real Life Conversations with T: 1970s edition

The backstory: While in Springfield, we stayed at a hotel across the street from a mall called “Riverdale Shops.”  T took one look at the sign, shook her fist, and announced…

T:  Riverdale!  If I see that Jughead motherfucker…….

I loved the Archie comic when I was a kid and T and I burst into laughter.  JT looked like kids look when their parents are hopelessly uncool.  So it was an all-around win.

Real Life Conversations with T: Political Scandals edition

The backstory: There are a handful of towns in New Jersey with the same name and East, West, South, North, or South before the name (for example, near me there is North Plainfield, South Plainfield, Plainfield).  On the interstate, the exit for the towns are simply marked “The Plainfields”.  On today’s drive north to Springfield College ( a story for another day), there was a sign for Pecquannock.  I had a comment.

Me:  That sounds like the name of a town in New Jersey.  In which case, there’d be a North, South, and West Pecquannock and the sign would simply say “the Pecquannocks.”

T: Or it’s a place where a Kennedy could dump a body.

Me:  For when Chappaquiddick is full.

And then we laughed because that is the sort of thing that amuses us.

Real Life Conversations with T: Garage Sale edition

The backstory:  T and I like a garage sale but we’ve been know to pass up on items only to regret that decision.  A few years ago, at a garage sale just down the street from my house, there was a box full of urine specimen jars, like the kind available at the doctor’s office.  We didn’t buy them and T has regretted it ever since.  This morning, when we drove by the house that had the jars, she bemoaned the loss.

T:  Ohhhhh, if I only we had bought those specimen jars.

S:  Oh yeah?

T:  It would make visits to my probation officer that much faster.

T doesn’t have a probation officer but she does have endless regrets over garage sale items we should have bought: the specimen jars, a tasteless tits-and-ass mug, a giant bag of clown doll heads.  Surely the coming summer will bring more garage sale items of dubious value.

Real Life Conversations with T: In the Stinky Gym edition

The backstory:  Since the new year began, T and I have spent a portion of nearly every weekend in a large gym filled with wrestlers.  The man stink can take its toll, as it did last weekend.

T:  If you had a girl, we’d be watching basketball right now.

Me:  I can’t argue with that.  Enjoy the grapplers, honey!

The boy we’ve got loves him some wrestling.  And so we watch wrestling.

Real Life Conversations with T: Valentine edition

The backstory: T and I were grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon when we came across the Valentine candy section.

T:  I suppose I should get my Valentine some chocolate.

Me (while visions of delicious Lindt truffles swirled in my head):  Yes, yes you should.

A few minutes later, this decidedly low-rent box of candy was in my cart.  When I saw it, T had a question.

T:  We good?

Internet, she’s taken.

Real Life Conversations with T: Local Cuisine edition

The backstory: Last weekend, T and I were at Holmdel Park waiting for JT to run a cross country race.  This was a big race event and the food trucks were out.  T had a look at the options.

T:  We’re in New Jersey so yes, I think pulled pork is the right choice.

Me (laughing):  I think that Kansas City ruined you.

Pro-tip: Try the pizza; enjoy the Italian food.  But if BBQ is what you want, Jersey is not the place.

Real Life Conversations with T: Marketing edition

The backstory:  I am a regular reader of The Pioneer Woman’s website and enjoyed the photos and descriptions of her line of dishes and kitchen goods, available at Walmart.  Normally, Walmart is off limits in my world but I like the dishes so much that I wanted to visit them in stores.  Thus a recent Saturday found T and I making a trip to Walmart.  The Pioneer Woman goods were there, but they were haphazardly displayed, with no effort to present the collection in an appealing fashion.  I found this tiresome.

Me:  If they were at Target, there’d be a tidy and attractive display.  Walmart just jams the stuff on some shelves and calls it good.

T:  That’s the Walmart way.  Their approach is simple.  They tell us, “We have shoddy and cheap goods.  You know that you love it.  Now get your ass in here and buy stuff.”

At that I burst into laughter.  When I settled, T had one more thought.

T:  It’s a wonder I don’t work in  marketing.

A wonder indeed.

Real Life Conversations with T: Presidential Politics edition

The backstory: T pays attention to the news but not in that 24-hour-news sort of way and thus I often have the pleasure of sharing the latest story about Donald Trump’s shenanigans, as was the case this morning when I informed her about the Washington Post's story about the Access Hollywood B-roll footage of Trump acting like a Neanderthal toward women.

S:  So basically, he confirmed what we’ve always known: he’s a sexist pig.

T: Again, I say, I want a president who is smarter than me.

Let us note for the official record that Donald Trump does not meet this test.  Women of America, let’s hit the ballot box and show Mr. Trump to the door.

Real Life conversations with T: Tortured by Tunes edition

The backstory: Saturday’s steamy hot morning found JT out early, warming up for the first cross country meet of the year.  T and I headed out to IHOP to score some breakfast before we went to the meet.  We made our orders and then sat and talked while we waited.  Soon, the IHOP soundtrack began to intrude as we realized that it was an odd array of songs, all of them with an ear worm quality and none of them like one another.  Abba, Glen Campbell, Leonard Skynard…..it was a dizzying assortment of songs you never wish to hear again.  Pancakes arrived and we tucked in while the disordered playlist sang on.  We finished eating and T made an announcement:

T: Let’s get out of here before Karma Chameleon comes on.

We paid cash and got the hell out.

Real Life Conversations with T: Dream Interpretation edition

The backstory: I drive a 2011 VW Jetta wagon.  It’s blue,  I love it, and it’s known to my family and me as “Little Blue.”  VW keeps sending me invitations to get a new car and though I throw them away, I suppose they have planted themselves in my subconscious.

Me:  I had a dream last night.  I got a new car; a blue Buick station wagon.  It was weird, because I was concerned it didn’t have enough trunk space.  And the gear shift was on the steering column, old-school style.  In the dream, I missed Little Blue.

T:  A Buick?  That wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare.

Well okay then.

Real Life Conversations with T: Text Message Style Guide edition

I enjoy the world of my iPhone’s emoji assortment more than I should.  T’s smartphone is not of the Apple variety so I’m not always sure how the iPhone emojis translate in the messages I send her.  Turns out some make it; some don’t.  That’s a shame because she would really love the squirrel emoji.  In a recent conversation, T explained to me her view of the smiley face emoji.

T:  I ended my message with a smiley face.

Me:  A smiley face?

T:  Yes.  The smiley face is the universal symbol that means, “this matter is now closed.”

Me:  I see.  I feel our communication will be more efficient now.

T is poised to be the Strunk and White of text message grammar.  Look out world.

Real Life Conversations with T: State Identity edition

The backstory: T and I have apps for identifying license plates and we play competitively, texting the other and bragging when a rare state is sighted.  On Sunday, we were together when we rolled up on a car featuring a plate with a license plate that looked - briefly - unfamiliar.  I saw the blue and the yellow and thought “Kansas”, a state neither of us has seen in this round of the game.

Me:  Maybe that’s Kansas.

T:  Nope.  Ohio.

And, in fact, it was Ohio.

Me:  But it could have been Kansas.  You know, with one of those state mottos written on the plate: “Fields of wheat, skies of blue, and intolerance as far as the eye can see.”

T laughed and then we were off and running, writing new state mottos for all 50 states.  No state is free from our critical eye.

I sense a new blog feature.

Real Life Conversations with T: Sweater Weather edition

The backstory: I like sweaters and have many more than I need.  That doesn’t necessarily slow my sweater acquisition plans, though I know that it should.  T tolerates this closet of madness, though she’s been known to offer an honest assessment of the excess.

Me (turning the pages of a catalog and sighting a pleasing sweater):  How many fair isle sweaters does one woman need?

T:  Apparently one more than she already has.

It’s like she can read my mind.

Real Life Conversations with T: 2016 Election edition

The backstory:  After a busy week of moving and starting a new job, T was a bit out-of-date on the news so she was startled to see a newspaper with the headline that Donald Trump was running for office.

Me:  He proposes to re-brand America.  It’s really a selfless act on his part to save the nation from itself. 

T:  Fine.  He gets the presidency and we get that he finally does something about his hair.

This might be a pretty good exchange, America.  Don’t rule it out.

Real Life Conversations with TLE: Fruitful edition

The backstory: T and I were talking about fruits, when the topic of kiwis came up.

T: Kiwi is a hybrid…..it’s a mix of a strawberry and a banana.

S: That does’t make any sense.

T: Yes it does…it’s like yellow and blue makes green.

S:  I am consulting the Internet on this one.

Kiwis come from a vine that first grew in China and they were once known as Chinese gooseberries.  There are many variations of the kiwi, though none are the result of a strawberry and banana hybridization.  Her knowledge of fruit taxonomy could use improvement,  but her ease with the language of bullshit is one of the many reasons I love her.

Real Life Conversations with T: Paterson edition

The backstory: T and I like to visit National Park sites and check out the historical displays.  This past weekend, we rolled on over to one of the newest National Parks, the Paterson Great Falls National Park in Paterson, New Jersey, established in 2011  When Paterson was first founded by Alexander Hamilton in 1792, it was the nation’s first planned industrial city.  Paterson would go on to become a prosperous town and early site of the 19th century American Industrial Revolution.  In Paterson, the Labor movement got its start, including an 1835 textile worker’s strike that reduced children’s workdays from 13 and 1/2 to 11 hours (!).  Industrial prosperity took the town through the 1940s; Paterson has long been a town of immigrant opportunity.  These days, Paterson is struggling with some substantial poverty and that’s clear throughout the site of the fledgling national park.  On our way out of town I saw a restaurant entitled, “Pappi’s Texas Weiner.”

Me:  Pappi’s Texas Weiner?  What is the deal with Texas Weiner places in New Jersey? (note: the phrase “Texas Weiner” is popular in the state for reasons wholly unknown to me).

Me (now ranting):  And “Pappi’s”?  There is no way I am eating in a place called Pappi’s.  It just sounds sketchy.

T:  I would have thought that the phrase Texas Weiner is the bigger problem.  Though Pappi’s does sound like there will be a molestation in the bathroom.

We opted for supper elsewhere and laughed about Pappi’s for the rest of the day.  We’re gonna get struck by lightening some day, and it’s a fate we richly deserve.  But at least we’ll be together when it happens.