Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Perils of Modern Air Travel

After 8 days in the land of Cousins & Grandparents, JT and I reluctantly returned to the real world yesterday. Our return to the land of Traffic & Humidity required two flights: one from Fresno, California to Denver, Colorado and a second from Denver to Newark, New Jersey.

All things considered, this is a pretty decent flight plan combination. And I much prefer a stop in Denver to a stop in Dallas. A flight across the country is bound to take some time, but, hey, that's the reality of traveling 2000 miles. On the other hand, being all Sunny-Eyed Optimist isn't any fun and I live in New Jersey now, so I have a Constitutional right to complain. And complaining about air travel, well, that's just downright American.

I shall offer my complaints in the form of a list. Let's call it Troubling Elements of the Trip Home. In no particular order, I offer my air travel grievances.

1. People who cannot wait in a queue. Why would anyone cut a line in order to be the first to confine themselves in a tiny little cabin? Who knows, but if you're getting on a plane, please be assured that someone will jump the line. This is particularly dangerous with a crowd of people heading to Jersey, but some jackass will always take the risk.

2. If you can't hop-to and move it with your Enormous-Wheeled-Carry-On, then I feel we should be able to cast you from the plane.

3. Eight days in the dessert that is my hometown left my entire person moisture-free. The trip home, in the company of eight hours of dry, pressurized air, further stripped my nasal membranes of whatever moisture remained. Who doesn't love a bloody nose in a confined space?

4. Explaining to the ipod listening-JT that Mama downloaded the grown-up version of Liz Phair's song "Supernova" and no, he can't sing that word out loud (to be fair, this error should be charged squarely to me, but still).

5. The sullen Slavic woman sitting next to me, inexplicably ordering endless cups of hot tea. In August. WTF?

6. Clothing fail. My skirt crept up my legs and past my waistband until it was choking me to death as the plane circled Newark.

7. Turbulence. Lots of it. I like a little rocking and rolling as much as the next girl, but I prefer it the old-fashioned way (get your mind out of the gutter...I mean a roller coaster). All that bumping and jostling in a plane is tiresome. Also: there is absolutely no call for screaming when the plane abruptly seems to drop. I know that people were startled. But let's be clear: Screaming DOES NOT HELP.

It's nice to be home again.

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