Back to School Meeting

Last year, I decided that I wanted to hear some different announcements at the back-to-school faculty meeting.  Today, as I head to the annual school start-up meeting with the expectation that people will share news of weddings, anniversaries, and impending births, I proudly offer up some of the alternatives I will be longing hear as the meeting begins.

Yes, this is a Walter Mitty fantasy but here's what I'm hoping for……

"This summer, my girlfriend and I finally qualified for conjugal visits at the prison."

Perhaps, related to that announcement………..

"I got laid so often this summer that I'm still sore."

And how about this twist on the impending birth news?

"The DNA test revealed that I'm not the father."

Maybe folks want to share word of their summer vacation?

"I had a close encounter and now I do believe in Big Foot."

Or some long-term health concerns:

"After a few years of trying, I think that I finally have my herpes under control."

And, in the spirit of keeping things current, how about this?

"When the house burned down, we finally got rid of the bed bugs."

I'm hoping to soon make this announcement:

"I finally caught that damned possum in my garden and I'm hosting a bar-b-que on Friday night."

Chances are it won't shake out quite this way.  But a girl can dream.