Real Life Texts with KO: Moving House edition

The backstory: My sister and her husband have sold their house and are moving into a temporary residence while their new home is built.  That meant that last Wednesday they loaded up 18 years worth of life well-lived.  I texted her early in the morning to wish her good luck.  I heard back from her at 8:45 am California time.

KO:  I’ve already had my fill of moving.  Ready to tap out.

Me:  Hmmmm.  If the van is emptied, you may tap out for now.

KO:  Van is not emptied and also I think your standards are unreasonable.

Me: Well we can debate my standards after the van is emptied.

KO: God damn no flexibility on your part.

Me:  Well that seems harsh.  But true, as it turns out.

KO:  I wanted to tell up to fuck off so I thought my sentiment was a nice compromise.

Me:  Oh yeah, great work on the compromise.  Sorry about the day.  Treat yourself to tacos for lunch.

The move is complete and KO is celebrating a birthday weekend.  She’s one of the funniest and most determined people I know, a woman who gets up and does what needs doing, takes a nap, and then gets after it again.  Embrace the day, birthday girl, and know you are loved.

Real Life Conversations with KO: Mafia edition

The backstory:  I had a basal cell skin cancer removed from my face last week and the removal involved plastic surgery to make sure it looks good in the aftermath.  Ten stitches later it seemed like a bigger deal than I had expected and my sister and I exchanged a few text messages about the whole situation, starting with the reminder that this is my third basal cell skin cancer.

Me:  Slowly but surely I will carve pieces of my self off.

KO:  Hey those pieces turned on you so they have to be voted off the island.  You try to kill me, you’re gone.

Me:  That is now our family motto.

KO:  Sounds kind mafia but (shrugs shoulders emoji).

Me:  Mafia when you are 25 but I am 50 so it’s common sense.

KO:  That’s probably what they say too.

Indeed.  Meanwhile, the repair is looking better and better (and hurting less) and the stitches come out Wednesday.  I’d expect that I will continue to reap the rewards of a youth spent lying around the pool without sunscreen.  Which may be troubling for my health but is likely good news from a family humor point of view.

Real Life Conversations with KO: Free Trade edition

The backstory:   I haven’t been a regular shopper at Cost Plus World Market since I lived in California more than 30 years ago (and the store was still called Cost Plus).  When one opened in my corner of New Jersey, I was very excited about it and went on opening weekend.  I texted my sister about my excitement.

Me: Cost Plus opens today.  I am v. excited.  Show mama the cheaply produced imported goods!

KO:  Enjoy them now before the trade war starts.

Oh, the comforts of the dismal science.  

Real Life Texts with KO: Vegas edition

The backstory: Something about my sister being in Las Vegas inspires especially amusing text message exchanges.  Last weekend, she was there with her tall offspring for a mega basketball tournament and sent me a picture of a dogwood tree, likely because she knows how I like a dogwood.  Naturally, she sent a thought as well.

KO:  Dogwood in full bloom at the Peppermill. And yes, those are mirrors on the ceiling.

Me:  Somehow that makes me feel dirty.

KO:  I think that’s the idea.

Me:  In which case, well done Vegas.  

KO:  Exactly.

And now you know where to travel for all your tarted up dogwood needs.  Internet, you're welcome.

Real Life Conversations with KO: E-Mail In-box edition

The backstory: My sister and my nephew C flew in on a red eye flight on Wednesday night and early Thursday morning they piled in my car for a road trip to visit Gettysburg College.  I was the designated driver and my sister had my cell phone and was texting my son on my behalf when she noticed the number of unread e-mails on my phone.

KO:  You have over 17,000 e-mails on your phone.

Me:  I don’t read those.

KO: Yes, I think that’s clear.

I meant that I don’t read work e-mail on my phone but we all had a good laugh.  It’s nice to have my sarcastic sense-of-humor doppelgänger on my side of the country.

Real Life Texts with KO: Bacon edition

The backstory:  I was at Dallas Fort Worth Airport, on my way home to New Jersey after a visit with my California family.  My sister texts with an update on her status.

KO:  There is a website called bacon freak.com.  Oh the things you learn from The Price is Right.

Me:  Pleased to hear that you are using your time wisely.

KO:  I bet JT thinks my time was well spent.  I mean, bacon.

Me:  He is proud; we all are.

KO:  That’s more like it.

Convenient for me that KO, one of the funniest people I know, is my sister.

Real Life Texts with KO: Infectious Disease edition

The backstory:  Not for the first time, my sister and I had an exchange about our favorite brand of underwear.

Me:  Today’s troubling news…Nordstrom undies are no longer called Shimera.  Now brand is just Nordstrom.  I cannot approve though I did enjoy the sale price on a color that wasn’t hideous. Half woot.

KO:  They can call them whatever they want as long as they don’t call them discontinued.  Maybe someone finally tipped them off that Shimera sounds like a disease?

My shimera has been under control for years, thank you.  The undies can be found here and seriously, they are worth every penny.

Real Life Texts with KO: Family Laundry edition

The backstory:  For most of my childhood, I lived rather in awe of my mother’s brother, my Uncle Dave.  Dave was loud and energetic and was the only person I knew who could boss my mom around. Uncle Dave was a force of nature and when he visited our house he would occasionally sit on the sofa and watch TV in his underwear, an impressive feat that none of the rest of us attempted.  JT has recently taken to removing his pants when he gets home.  Though Dave has been gone for a while, it seemed to me that JT was channeling his spirit.  I notified my sister.

Me:  JT has taken to sitting around the house in his underwear.  I blame Uncle Dave.

KO:  Fair enough, although I think you should consider blaming adolescence.

Me:  I am not convinced there is a difference.

For what it’s worth, if JT grew up to be like Uncle Dave, he’d be a kind, big-hearted, well-loved man.  One without pants, of course, but we all have our quirks.

Ice, Ice Baby

We are home from school today, enjoying our 5th snow day of the year, this one courtesy of an ice and snow storm, Winter’s duo of pain.  I am watching the frozen power lines with a combination of anxiety and dread, mentally urging the temperature to creep above freezing.

Meanwhile, in California my sister is laid up with a post-surgery ankle wrapped in an impressive array of bandages covering the staples.   She’s hoping for a scar impressive enough to warrant a story about a shark bite.

The sleepless KO and I have been e-mailing back and forth and when I expressed concern about our icy power lines, she offered up a solution: “I think you have a ladder, an extension cord and a blow drier, no? Seems to me you can just go clear your power lines yourself! Homespun version of a snow blower, but for ice. Why has no one thought of this?”

Setting aside the fact that her ankle was damaged in a fall from a desk being used as a ladder and her pain meds-induced fog, she may be on to something here.  I’ll set JT to work as soon as he gets up.

Real Life Text with KO: Supportive edition

The backstory:  Last week, I was headed to a cross country meet in the middle of East Nowhere and so I opted to follow the bus in order to keep from getting lost.  I watched the kids file into the bus and then caught sight of JT sitting with his friends in the very back of the bus.  I texted my sister about the most obvious concern generated by this situation.

Me:  Following the bus to cross country.  JT is in the back and I am praying he doesn't flip me off.

KO:  I kind of hope he does, lol.

Me:  Right back at ya', sis.

He didn't flip me off, but reported later that was only because his friend V advised against it, asserting, "your mom is a nice lady."  I'll take it.

Real Life Texts with KO: Identity Politics edition

Me:  Alarming discovery: I really like Katy Perry pop songs.  Feel cool driving around in my station wagon playing her songs too loud.  Somewhere in my head, I realize that this combination is anything but cool.  Sign of old age is that I do not care.

KO:   Her songs are very catchy.  And, hey, she kissed a girl and she liked it so it's almost like you're the same person.

Me:  Now that you mention it, we DO have a lot in common.  

If you need me, I'll be at Sephora stocking up on cherry chapstick.

Real Life Conversations with KO: Equality edition

The backstory: I love Keen shoes because they are so comfortable.  My sister KO is convinced that a fondness for sensible shoes is one of the many signs that I am a lesbian. To which I respond, "guilty."

KO:  Wearing my red lace-up Keens today.  Hope I don't turn gay.

Me:  You can get married in 3 more states if that's how it plays out.  Or get elected to the Senate.  Both worth considering

KO:  It's about freakin' time.

Sassafras family values rule.

Real Life Texts with KO: Latin edition

The backstory: A few weeks ago, my sister KO took an unfortunate spill.  The result is a pretty serious foot and ankle injury.  It happened at work, which means workmen's comp (an alternate universe whereby your suffering is greeted by a giant medical "meh" while the medical folks drag their feet and you contemplate life with permanent pain).   Two painful weeks into the injury, she's finally gotten closer to a diagnosis, though not a cure.  Pain not withstanding, she has retained her sense of humor.

KO: Broken navicular and talus. You can look that up and send me a Google treatment plan.

Me:  Talus sounds like an STD. Is there something you aren't telling me?

KO:  It's in the same STD family as clematis and shimera.

Note: Every time I mention my clematis vine, my sister makes a disparaging remark about the word clematis, suggesting that I live a less than clean lifestyle.  And shimera is a brand of undies carried by Nordstrom that I have been known to both purchase and disparage. 

Here's hoping that the good-humored KO gets a decent doctor and the repairs necessary to take those new shoes in her closet for a spin. 

Real Life Texts with KO: Climate Change edition

The backstory: After some very hot miserable days here, Friday July 20 provided a wet, cool respite from the heat.  My sister is in Las Vegas, where I was sure the weather wasn't quite so nice.  So I texted her to rub it in.

Me:  It's 65 degrees here and I just grabbed a long sleeve shirt. Remind me of this day the next time I complain about Jersey.

KO:  Fuck you. I'm at the Hoover Dam where there is little shade and it's 100+.

Me: Get in the water you idiot.

KO: Think they frown on that.

Me:  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

There can be little question that we are related, no?

Real Life Conversations with the Sassafras Sister: Text edition

The backstory: My mom is in town to help celebrate JT's birthday and since there's no use having a clone if you don't put her to work, she's been busy quizzing JT for his history test, mastering prime numbers for the math test, folding the laundry, and helping with JT's animal report project.  On Friday night, while JT was at a a school dance (!), we ran errands to get supplies for JT's weekend birthday party and his animal report.  We then settled at Starbucks for a cup of coffee before heading back to school to fetch our tween.  There, we texted my sister, who was driving to Southern California for the weekend. 

Me:  Are you headed south? Mom and I are at Starbucks waiting to pick up JT from a school dance.

KO:  We are on 99 [the local highway out of my home town].  Actually we're stopped at some truck stop because Spence needed to use the restroom.

Me:  For Christ's sake, don't stick his head in a trash bin. [Note: once, on a family trip on Highway 99, my sister announced that she felt like she was going to hurl.  My fast-acting mother shoved KO's head in the trash bin at the McDonald's in Valencia, thus ensuring that KO would hurl.  It's a story we fondly recall. Often.  My mother endures this].

KO:  Good call.  I hope JT got his freak on. What time is the dance over?

Me: 10.  We are draped over coffee.  Scored supplies for party and dingo report.

KO:  Ummmm dingo report? Is that code for something?

Me:  No.  He has to write a report on a dingo.  No joke.

KO:  Fucking prep school.  Did he choose a dingo?

(This particular comment caused  my mother and I to burst into laughter and disrupt the other patrons.) 

Me:  It's an under-appreciated animal.  Much maligned.  Also was assigned.

KO:  Keep telling yourself that. Concerned that some teacher might not like JT. But I don't know what other animals were assigned….

Me:  It was random.  I hope.  At least I'd heard of it.

KO:  Focus on the positive.

At that, we went to go fetch JT.  All reports suggest that he did actually dance at the dance.  I'll have to check with my sister to see if that means he got his freak on.