This week, I returned to work and JT started to ease into the world of first grade. We are excited to start the school year, ready to welcome new experiences, and I think that I am in good enough shape to try this new single working mama deal. But getting here wasn't easy and it seems fitting this week to think back on our summer.
The summer didn't start off on the best of terms. On the last day of school, my partner of 9 years, JT's other mom, walked out on our life together. It was as awful as it sounds and for the first few weeks, JT and I were one part angry, one part sad, and one part numb.
That is where our family and friends came in: calling to check on us, ensuring that we never cried alone, making plans for and with us and generally being the biggest and best safety nets ever. We were so grateful. And, as everyone promised, we did start to feel better. We still have some low days but we know that we don't have to cry alone. That helps to make the low moments just a little less low. And three months into our new life, we can both look toward a happy future.
In the midst of it all, JT and I became closer than ever. We are the ultimate Mama and boy team these days, having fun with one another and laughing a lot. That may very well be the silver lining of the pain that began our summer: we don't take one another for granted.
We had two terrific vacations together. In July we went camping in Cape Cod with the R-K family. It was empowering, relaxing, and fun and we can't wait to go again. And in August, we went to California to see the cousins (and swim in their great pool) and visited Disneyland and California Adventure. Both trips gave us the opportunity to establish new memories for ourselves, memories that aren't tainted by the departure of JT's mommy. Memories that remind us of what we still have: the love of one another.
And there were some good firsts this summer: JT lost his first (and second) tooth; JT learned to swim (like a fish); JT honed his new reading skills (not a first but still pretty amazing). We made lots of cookies together and we laughed a lot. Mama got reacquainted with herself and learned that she can do more than she thought, she learned that asking others for help is okay and empowering in its own way, and she had her first date in a really long time. All of this was good.
When my family consisted of three people, it felt strong and complete. But as a family of two, it feels more fragile, like we must look after one another more closely. JT and I are still aware of the loss, and sometimes we are uncertain of what to do about it. I sometimes wonder how Lisa feels. Does she miss our family? Does she feel a loss? Does she think about it? Does she even care? Did she ever care? I will never know the answers to these questions and I've worked hard to accept that.
So we start the new school year in a very different place from how we ended it. We are still learning to embrace the new and say goodbye to the old. We are hopeful about the future, no longer tentative and not afraid of the unknown. But we are a smaller circle now and we hurt just a little easier than we used to. We are careful and we are caring, and in ways we never expected we are stronger than ever.
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