Saturday, March 31, 2007

Deepest Darkest

Deepest darkest read the prompt at Sunday Scribblings. I knew the answer to the question even before I finished reading it.

For as long as I can remember, my deepest darkest fear was that I was not worthy of love. My grandmother used to say that there was a lid for every pot but growing up I often felt that wasn't true for me. I hoped that there was lid for me but I didn't quite believe that there would be. As an adult I came to feel that my deepest darkest fear was really a manifestation of figuring out who I am and being okay with being gay. Years of therapy were helpful in this regard. And for the nine years that I was with Lisa I was persuaded that my fear was unfounded.

For nine years I felt worthy of love and then suddenly, again, I feel unworthy. I am a lid without a pot. Or a pot without a lid. I keep wondering if I am somehow a broken person. The rational part of me tells me that I'm human, but not broken. I have family and friends who love me; my son loves me. I am not alone in this world, not by a long shot. But I have never quite loved another person as I loved Lisa. And thus I have never quite hurt like I have hurt since she left. And though I know that I should, I can't quite dismiss the fear that she was right to leave me; that I wasn't worthy of being loved by her. And so my deepest darkest fear has returned like an old and unwelcome acquaintance in the deepest darkest parts of my thoughts.

I fought off the demon once before and I like to think that I can fight it off again. Really, I have no choice. But sometimes I still feel like that 10 year old who let herself into the quiet empty house after school. She worried that no one could love her. And 30 years later I worry too.

8 comments:

Chelle said...

Do not let the fear overwhelm you. Just because Lisa couldn't love you doesn't mean you aren't lovable. It just means that she didn't know what a good thing she had.

Hugs!

Kimberley McGill said...

Hope you don't mind me sending you
{{HUG}}. Her leaving is about her, not about you. Hope you can indulge in a little pampering of yourself - whatever that means to you. Take Care.

Regina Clare Jane said...

Oh, love is so hard sometimes. It's normal to feel that way, Stacy, after a break-up. But love is such a huge thing that there is more than enough for seconds! You deserve love as all of us do and you will find it!

Yorkimom said...

Snap out of it! You are warm, nurturing, generous, funny, intelligent, caring and giving.
From my personal acquaintance with her, Lisa has none of these qualities. That pot and lid had been mismatched since day one. Go out and find yourself a new lid, dear. You oh-so-deserve it. Only this time make it a matched set. :)

Crafty Green Poet said...

People sometimes just don't match, that doesn't mean either of you are unworthy of love, just that perhaps you don't fit each other. There will be a lid for your pot.

Sharkb said...

You are lovable. Trust me on this one.

Shelley said...

Permit me to add my voice to the chorus... as I have been saying since day one, you're a hell of a catch, and you're just going to have to trust us on this one until your belief in your worthiness is restored.

Elspeth said...

Hmmm. What if you're not in fact a pot, but a lid ... and a lovely pot somewhere is waiting for you to be her lid? Whichever way it is, your grandmother was right ... although I know, sometimes it's not easy to trust and be patient. Perhaps you can go out and get a symbolic lid and pot that can represent your new Love and put affirmations and other positive things in it that represent what that new relationship will be all about when it manifests.