The Thoughts in my Head

Over the last 10 months I have had cause to doubt most everything that I thought I knew. And I have come to doubt much of what I once believed about Lisa. But I have never doubted that she loved J.T. From the moment he was born, her love for him was a palpable presence in our lives. I can still see clearly the expression on her face when she would talk about J.T. and tell a story about him. There were times when I could see around her the joy and love she had for him. So I don't doubt there was love there and, at least when I knew her, there was an abundance of it. It was the one thing I was most proud to share with her. And I still miss sharing our love for J.T..

I have no idea what she thinks or feels now. And I have largely given up trying to understand what she was thinking when she left. But she left J.T. and I for a new relationship and I often think of that. What must it feel like to be the woman who helped another woman to walk out on her child? Does Liz feel secure because Lisa left her child? Does she feel bad? Does she feel scared? Does she know what she cost J.T.? Does she care? Does she even think about it?

As I recall, Liz's own parents were divorced. Were the circumstance similar to the ones in which she and Lisa have thrust J.T.? Did she hurt because of what her parents did? Was it so long ago that she doesn't remember? Here again the answers are elusive.

I am trying to make peace with all of these unanswered questions.

I do know this. Yesterday J.T. proudly announced to me that there is going to be a first grade play and he will be in it. He asked if I would come to watch the performance and I promptly said yes. Then I asked him, "should we invite somebody else?" I was thinking of Lisa, of course.

He paused to think and then he answered, "Maybe D and his Mommy and his Tama might come to watch me?"

"I'm sure they will if they can," I told him. Part of me rejoiced in this moment because my son clearly knows that he is loved. He knows whom he can count on. But part of me was really sad. Lisa may never know what she's lost. And J.T. may not think about it all the time. But I know what she's given up and I know what he lost when she left. And ten months later, I'm still so very sad for them both.