It's Not About the Fun

When my son returns from his visits with my ex-partner, there's an awkward exchange that happens at my front door. From the moment that he returns, he's ready to immerse himself in his home world. She stands at the door and says goodbye and tells JT, "I had fun with you." Her script for each return varies only slightly.

"I had fun with you today."

"I had fun with you this weekend."

"I had fun with you this week."

He nods and then turns away. His home is not her home; she removed herself from this part of his world.

I understand that she's seeking some continuity in her relationship with him. I respect the fact that he has a relationship with her that I am not privy to. I realize that having brought an end to our life as a threesome, there is virtually nothing she can do to satisfy me.

Even so, there is something deeply troubling about the idea that her time with JT, what was called her "parenting time" in the legal agreement we drew up, is boiled down to having "fun."

Though JT and I have plenty of fun together, for me being a mama is not just about the fun. I'm in the business of raising a little boy who will someday need to be a confident, engaged, responsible and independent man. I want him to be happy in his life today and tomorrow and I know that fun plays a role in that happiness. But I also know that fun isn't nearly enough. Fun doesn't get the bills paid; fun doesn't get the laundry washed, or the supper on the table. I do my best to make everyday living enjoyable. As a parent for whom happiness has sometimes been in short supply these past few years, I struggle to make sure that JT knows that life can be rich and rewarding; meaningful and happy. Fun is part of that, but it isn't the whole thing.

Last year, for Mother's Day, JT made me a little sign. It spells out M-O-T-H-E-R vertically and for each letter in the word, he identifies something about me. So in his neat second grade handwriting it reads:

M is for Magnificent Muffins

O is for Organizing my playroom

T is for Taking me to Fuddruckers

H is for Helping me with my homework

E is for Everytime we make cookies

R is for Riding bikes with me

I love this little sign; it's a snapshot of our life together. It's a nice list of the things I do for him and things that we enjoy together. In one way, those things are about having fun. But it's not just about the fun. For me, being a parent is about love and affection, independence and resilience. It's about life in total, with joy, with sadness and with everything in between.