All Those Last Moments

I woke up this morning and the parade in my mind was of all the last moments that we had with Lisa. JT and I didn't know that they were last moments, of course. Did she?

Did she know that breakfast at Cracker Barrel for Mother's Day was the last time our family would go out as a threesome? Did she know that Saturday, May 27th was the last time we would have sex? Did she know that Thursday, June 1st was the last night JT would run to meet her walking home from the train, that it was the last night that she would read JT stories and tuck him into bed? The last night she would sleep by my side? Did she know that Friday, June 2nd was the last time that we would sit at the breakfast table as a family? Does she remember these dates herself? Does she care? I could go on and on, though I am trying not to.

In March, we made a family trip to Disneyworld with our friends A and M. I thought that we had a great time. The very last night at the park, as the fireworks burst from above Cinderella's Castle, and JT sat on our laps, Lisa slipped a ring on my finger. It was so romantic and sweet. I cried with happiness and I felt at that moment that my world was safe and perfect. When we came home she told me that she had nothing to look forward to now. I was surprised that she felt that way. Did she know then that she would be leaving?

She told me last week that one reason that she was leaving was because we didn't complete a second parent adoption. The main reason we hadn't done so is that I felt we needed to have some serious conversations about commitment before we took that step. She had once sought to leave us before and I needed to know that those feelings were really in the past. Those weren't conversations she was willing to have. Now I know why.

Our world together had been about the values that we shared, about JT and one another, about our home, and our garden and our friends. That is still my world, of course. Despite her absence, my values haven't changed. But I don't recognize the Lisa that I loved in the Lisa that she has become. And I keep asking myself if I ever really knew her at all.