Mama's Brave, Sweet Boy

On the day he was born, I sat and rocked JT for hours and I told him about his life --- about his two moms, his home, his dog Sam, and all the hopes and dreams that I had for him. Mostly on that day I promised that I would always love him and that I would do my best to ensure that he had a happy life. I didn't pledge to protect him from all the pitfalls of life ---- no Mama could do that ---- and it wouldn't be realistic. In fact, one of life's skills is learning to navigate the problems. But I did promise that I would never hurt him.

I feel a little bit like I broke that promise this afternoon. Lisa came over at 4:30 and in our last act as a family we sat together while she told JT that she wasn't going to live in our home anymore. He looked stunned, asked if she was serious, and then he rolled into a ball and sobbed. We hugged him and promised him that we will always love him. We talked about the fact that she will still come and see him but that he will live with Mama now. We all cried.

And then she left.

In my wildest imagination I could never have thought this would happen. I wanted him to grow up in a family of loving parents who loved one another and loved him. He isn't going to have all of that now and I feel very profoundly that we have failed him. I know that Lisa is unhappy but it will take me a long time for me to understand why she believes her happiness must be bought at the cost of leaving JT. I may never understand it.

I am here to pick up the pieces. And that is literally the first thing that I did. When she walked out the front door to wait for her friend to pick her up, I went upstairs to find my boy curled in his bed with his blankies while tears ran down his face. He crawled into my lap and we cuddled and talked about how our life will be without Mommy in our home. I reminded him how much we both love him. And I told him over and over that Mama would never leave.

He's worried about both of us. He worried that Mommy doesn't have the clay mouse on her dresser. He's upset that Mommy doesn't love Mama anymore. He asked me if I would find him a new Mommy who would love us both. He's angry and sad and he told me so.

At the end of the night as I tucked him into bed, JT remembered that we hadn't talked about our favorite part of the day. Doing that is a tradition in our family. It is a testament to his brave and optimistic spirit that JT could ask that question on a day such as this. A day that he will never forget. I said my favorite part of the day was getting our pool passes for the summer. He paused and then he said, "the whole day.....except for the part where Mommy told me that bad thing."

I wish that we could take back the hurt.