Today We Talked

She came to the house to drop off the dog and I made her talk with me. I know that she doesn't want to talk anymore. I'm sure that one reason she left was to avoid talking with me about her problems. Now she feels there is nothing to work out so she really doesn't want to bother. But I still have some questions and so much to say, things I really need her to hear. And so I made her listen to me and I asked her to answer my questions.

It felt just a little less hostile, though I didn't really learn anything new. She stood by the door, literally and figuratively trying to get away. She says that she left because it was time to be honest. She hadn't been happy for two years; she doesn't think that nine years ago we fell in love. She was young then and didn't know what love was, she claims. She says that soon I will realize that she did the right thing. She says that she was just being honest when she quit our family. She says that she likes and respects me, even loves me as a friend. We make better friends than partners, she believes. She says that she's happier now when she looks in the mirror. It sounds like it was instant for her: walk out on the partner and child and be happy at last.

I listened. I made a few sharp remarks, mostly having to do with the fact that no one ever gets happy by causing as much pain as she has caused. I told her that forever I will think of her as walking out on JT, the beautiful, sweet boy we once raised together. The child we promised never to hurt. I made it clear that being friends is not something that I envision for us; that we'll never find out if we make better friends than partners. I told her that I would have helped to see her through this unhappiness, for the sake of our child and the life we shared. I told her that she broke my heart.

I'm realizing now that she isn't ever going to face up to what she did. Though my friends tell me that she'll regret it some day, I'm not sure that's really true. Having avoided some hard conversations about love, honor, and commitment, about the real nature of joy and happiness, she's happier now. She took the easy path out. She may never realize what she is missing out on. She's never had much appetite for self-exploration and that isn't going to change now. She's not as unhappy today as she was a few weeks ago and that is enough for her. She doesn't have the courage to really figure out what her problem is. Her so-called honesty has some real limits.

But I keep thinking that you reap what you sow. I will talk and explore what happened. I will think about my feelings. I will treat my heart and my son with gentle care. I will be happy again some day and I will find that happiness without hurting the people who love me.